EVERY time my children’s birthdays are coming, I am the most excited person to prepare for their birthday celebration. I always make sure that I see them happy and feel loved as they grow in joy and peace. But when it comes to my birthday, I refuse to celebrate and just want to treat it as an ordinary day. I always end up arguing with my husband and my close friend Melba whether or not I should celebrate it. But again, my husband insists and would prepare my favorite dishes. Honestly, I always feel terrible blowing my birthday candles even when I know they’re from my children.
And so I contemplated. Why do I hate celebrating my birthdays? Is it because I cannot accept that I am growing old? Or because I am not comfortable when there are surprise visits or calls to greet me a happy birthday? Why is it that for 45 years, I remained to feel the same?
And then I did not realize it but I was actually already crying remembering what happened when I was six years old.
I saw myself in that dark room singing myself a happy birthday while crying. There was no one around to celebrate it with me. My late father and my mother were already separated by that time, and my siblings were with their friends. I was not sure why not a single one of them remembered my special day. All darkness there, nothing more. And so, from that day on, I refused to celebrate my birthday.
It is so sad to realize that I can express love to others on their special day but not to myself. In my life, I have helped several people to re-love themselves and learn to forgive the unforgivable. I can say it is true that I see myself as forgiving – I do not hold grudges. But I was wrong when I started hating to celebrate my birthday. I failed to forgive those people who made me believe that birthdays are not supposed to be celebrated. I did not know that for years. I have hidden that pain unconsciously and it is only then that it’s surfacing.
But I will not let the past continually hurt me.
Today is the time to begin freeing myself from this bondage of pain. I must leave that sad scene in my life. I must remove myself from that dark room where I only see my shadow. I am now leaving that memory behind by forgiving and accepting.
It is true that it is so difficult to reveal our naked soul to the world but doing so can bring healing, growth, strength, and inspiration to many. That is why I decided to share this.
This year is my happiest birthday, truly! A rebirth.