I WAS half asleep when I heard my daughter Bea telling her Papa that her cellphone is not working anymore. I immediately got up from bed and felt disappointed since I bought it two weeks ago as an advance birthday gift. When I asked her about the phone, Bea answered me, “I did not do anything, I did not know what happened, it was not my fault.” And then I answered back: “I am not accusing you of its damage, I am just asking.”
So, I called the store, and the owner said they will fix the cellphone but I calmly demanded a refund. After our talk, we agreed to return the item without charges. I thank the proprietor much for considering my request. And then I saw my daughter teary-eyed, now starting to smile, but she went into her room without saying anything.
Later, my son Marco told me in secret, “Mama, noong isa pang gabi sira yung phone ni Ate, pero scared siya baka ma disappoint at magagalit ka.” Upon hearing it, I asked myself, is it difficult for Bea to tell me about this? Have I ever done something lately for my eldest to fear me this much? I thought I was doing great as a mother...
And so, I have tried to recall my mothering role to Bea. Then I remembered that day when she was seven, and we went to a cinema to watch her favorite movie. We were so happy, we bought so much food before entering the cinema. But then she realized she lost her cellphone. In her young mind, I know she did not understand my sudden mood shift. I get so disappointed that we did not enjoy the movie because the whole time, I was teaching her about keeping my gifts with extra care. Then after a year, it happened again, she lost another cellphone while riding a tricycle. And then, after eight years, her phone got stolen while inside the jeep. I can still remember that she went home late crying and trembling. She thought she could find the culprit roaming around Matina and beg for its return, so she would not disappoint me.
With a short flashback, I realized how I have instilled fear in my child regarding cellphones. I have, without intentions, equated her losing a cellphone as something that is very unforgivable. And I regret it because she would instead not tell me because she would not want me to be angry. She felt that she was to blame for the cellphone not working, and I think I programmed her thoughts. Bad me!
And so, I went to Bea’s room and then I asked -- Why didn’t you tell me anak? And then she simply answered, “I know you work so hard day and night; you always try to give us always what is best. Yes, I am afraid if the phone doesn’t get fixed, but I am more afraid that you will think I did not give importance to your gift”. I guess it is true that children sometimes may not have the strength to be honest to their parents, especially if they thought it may hurt them so bad.
Now, I believe it is vital to check our thoughts as parents when we educate our children, we wish for them to live better lives. But sometimes, we do not know that it can cause their fear -- which would lead our children to hide something from us because they would not want to hurt us. We may have set boundaries in the past unknowingly that keep our children away from us. And in this way, they are crying inside.
Yes, sometimes as parents, we often say “kilala ko yang anak ko, anak ko yan eh”, yet there are things that we do not know – especially what they feel inside. Our children may not forgive themselves because we, as parents, unintentionally make them feel guilty for encounters in their lives that they have no control.
Now, I think I have the answer to my question -- have I ever done something lately for my eldest to fear me this much? Yes, I admit I did something that breaks the heart of my child, and it was years ago that until now vividly exits to my Bea’s mind, heart, and soul. Bea, anak, I am so sorry, I would like you to know that what matters to me is not the cellphone, but it is you that matters all to me. God, I hope I will be forgiven.