SOMETIMES, I think about what real love is. In several of my articles, I make sure that I give justice to how I define it.
When I reflect on love, it is easier for me to say it is unconditional and forgiving. But for years, I have experienced, heard, and seen people saying there is love when it may not be real love at all. Or maybe, there is love but for less.
I had thought of this after last Wednesday when I came to meet a long-time client. I remember her talking about her husband being very engrossed in his work, with less time for her and the kids. And during weekends, his husband usually visits close friends and comes home the next day, Sunday.
Although the husband is never a womanizer, time is limited. And he never submits to his wife during arguments, even at times he is wrong.
But now, the husband has been laid off from work due to the pandemic crisis. Everything has changed; he stays at home and takes care of his wife and the kids. He becomes so understanding and not easily angered. He appears happy serving the family even though the wife is busy in her business and the kids in online schooling.
But at times, when they quarrel, he tells on her face that he does all at home and says brutal words to the wife. Sad because the wife also does the same. Both say words that are unacceptable, enough to end it all. The home is wrecked, and kids are hurt.
With this, my client asked me -- Is there really love at all?
Maybe the husband only cares because he needs to do it for the kids to live. Or he does because he knew he could not live a life alone.
The answer could be either of the two, but I cannot agree or disagree with any.
I guess this feeling can be possible for those who felt rejected by their spouses at the peak of their success and become the opposite when they could not maintain the success.
I am speaking both for the wife and the husband. Even when hurt in the past for whatever reasons, the wife should be forgiving and appreciate the husband caring for them wholeheartedly.
She should also be cautious of her demeaning words that could make the husband feel incapable. So, be lenient to replace the memories with good ones and learn to appreciate his love to heal.
The husband should extend his patience to his wife’s tendency to get strongly irritable and mad during petty quarrels. Remember that women have tendencies to keep painful memories that their husbands have once caused, and this would not be easy.
So, continue to understand and be mindful of your hurting words. Please do not call them mean names, especially when the kids can hear. Again, women keep painful memories compared to men. And kids too...
And both should not ever allow each other to feel unimportant when everything is fine. Also, do not accuse one’s partner of any form of betrayal they have not done.
Remember that overthinking other’s unfaithfulness may be due to your experience of being unfaithful yourself in the past. Sometimes, all that you accuse of your spouse is what you are.
In all of these, the question is -- Can there be real love in marriage despite the frequent fights, accusations, and misunderstandings?
Yeah, I still believe it is real love when spouses opt to leap together beyond norms.
Love is indeed mysterious!
Anyway, let us celebrate loving our spouses despite the troubles that we have faced. Merry Christmas in advance!