L: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m in a three-year relationship. We’ve been block mates since first year pre-med. And because she likes me, we became a couple. But it’s really a relationship that’s void of anything to claw at each other’s throat nor interesting enough to connect and intimately talk about. To think we share a lot of common experiences. Isn’t it because I’m still in love with a clinical instructor before? Our paths do cross every once in a while. Still unattached, beautiful and unattainable. She’s really super smart. I did tell her how I felt years ago before graduating but she turned me down. It’s the ten-year age gap. But now that I am about to be a doctor, will that still matter? I’m seriously considering courting her again.
DJ: Can someone love two people at one time? In my opinion, it’s possible, particularly when two different sets of desired characteristics are found in two individuals. Beloved A is smart and articulate, for example, while Beloved B is devoted and kind. Logical, right? Psychologically, though, there’ll be some form of dissonance. Emotions tend to demand partiality, a preference of one over the other. That’s where being discerning about one’s choice and one’s commitment to stand by it for better or worse will come into play.
Relationships tend to be lovey-dovey in the beginning before being cute and fun gradually tempers with time. So, you think you both stayed on the surface-level three years down the road. Is your relationship just steady or are things no longer clicking? If you are both still satisfied, then probably you’re just comfortable. But because you don’t talk about goals, feelings or topics that matter to both of you, there appears to be stagnation.
Is it because you’re both caught up finishing med school rather than building a deep and meaningful connection? Have you told her that you’re unhappy? A major problem in an intimate relationship is rarely what it appears on the surface. It helps to dig a little deeper to understand what’s happening. And should you decide to pack it up and shut down the relationship, you’ll be a better partner next time around.
It is okay to end a relationship if it’s no longer serving you right. But do give her space to say her final words or break a China plate or dismantle everything she holds dear about you piece by piece. You’re the dumper. Suck it up.
Now let’s talk about Ms. Clinical Instructor. For this column’s intent and purpose, I’m assuming that when you say you still love her, you mean real love. Being unattainable usually is more of a frame of reference rather than fact. It’s possible that she turned you down because she placed more importance on the status and resources of a potential partner. If part of her goal was to start a family, why would she invest in a relationship with someone who’ still about to enter med school? Was social disapproval a factor? Only if she’s hypersensitive towards Marites or Karen, and the eyes and ears of the old world. In my opinion, though, the pressure and judgement from the outside world weigh less compared to shared values, beliefs, communication, conflict management and how two people support each other’s goals. What’s the best way to find out? Ask her again. Then take it from there. If she’s going to be mad, put a cape around her and say, “Now you’re super mad!” Seriously, though, keep in mind that any successful or smart or even gorgeous person is a person. And she’ll find it refreshing to be treated as one rather than some kind of goddess on a pedestal.
You’re torn between two options—one risky, the other, safe. Unlike buying a Nicolas Cage pillow on Amazon, this decision can alter the course of your life. Your head is where analysis, logic and fear—often disguised as rational thinking—resides. Your heart is where your true and deepest desires are. Find that balance between the two. Make this powerful duo work together instead of against each other. Pause before jumping in.
That’s your best bet for all around happiness. And what if things won’t work? Well at least you’re a step closer to knowing what works. Good luck, Lucky!