C: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m in my early 20s, generally viewed as smart because of my academic achievements. But for a second opinion, they’ll most likely say, “Okay, she’s ugly too.” I look like I was dropped when I was a baby. Face first. But my mom swears it never happened. I have this officemate. Let’s call him John. He worked as a model before the pandemic. We became close and last Valentine’s Day, he confessed he’s got feelings for me. Sounds like a plot of a Disney movie, right? The problem is he can wake up one day realizing that all these are but his illusion. Can this once-upon-a-time be a happy-ever-after? Please don’t say beauty is only skin-deep. Based on experience, ugliness is deeply entrenched too, way into my hideous facial skeleton.
DJ: So, what was the confession about then? To win a bet? Charity work? Think about these. Do you know that love is blind? It’s not because John wears love goggles and he isn’t seeing you clearly. For someone who loves, he sees you differently from how the world sees. Much deeper than what’s on the surface. Love sees more, not less. Happy? True love is powerful. There’s a reduced need to be critical and to harbor negative emotions toward a beloved. Besides, haven’t you noticed when you travel, it’s not really just the landscape or structure that ultimately makes the place special. It’s a combination of many factors and different elements. Like the experience of a deeper sense of belonging. How one feels secure and happy. The overall vibe. Very much like Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s “The Little Prince,” John perhaps also believes that while many can capture the eyes, only few can capture the heart. What’s essential is invisible to the eye. Why do you think when two people who love each other kiss, they usually close their eyes? Most likely because there is no need to see someone you love to know you love them. Love is not what we see in as much as how the person makes us feel.
Second, beauty and ugliness are influenced by preference and stereotypes. It’s the social norms, collective opinions and dominant views in society that label someone as beautiful or ugly. And what makes stereotypes untrue is because they are often incomplete. That’s why how you see yourself matters more than how your workmates or your prince charming’s friends see you.
Sure, a lot of us are conditioned to worry about how others think of us. And it’s sad if we let it rule over our self-image. I’m not suggesting you completely ignore some valuable insights from others. But be selective. Do these people have your best interest at heart? Or are they just bullies? Know who to listen to and ignore. You are the queen of your thoughts. It’s your choice what to allow inside your mind, heart and soul. Don’t give that power away. I propose you take a step back and list all the positive qualities about you. This is your winning image, stuff that makes you awesome. Go over them again and again until you see yourself not through other people’s eyes but through your eyes. At the end of the day, who knows you best? You. Love yourself. And don’t mind too much what you think others say or think about you. The right person and the right guy appreciate you the way you are. Remember that stereotypes are not meant to break you. You are meant to break them.
Third, make decisions from a place of hope. Not fear. Decisions coming from a place of lack usually restrict us and keep us playing small in life. When this type of negative prediction comes true, we’re not surprised. But if we’re wrong, we’re left feeling disappointed. How can we win? Rather decide on this matter based on what serves the highest good. Will John be an even better version of himself having you around? Is he bringing out the best in you? When decisions are guided by possibilities instead of insecurities, a breakthrough can happen.
We are all human. Flaws are a given. So are strengths. No one is perfect and like John, no one should chase perfection. Love hopes and endures all things. He is right about you being special. He thinks you are Miss World. This must mean more than what the world thinks.