GERALD: Hi, Singlestalk. My girlfriend of five years cheated on me. She was working from home during the enhanced community quarantine around two years ago. She fell in love with a housemate and broke up with me. Last week, we met at a friend’s wedding. She said sorry and asked if we could get back together again. I still love her and I want to forgive her. I just don’t know how.
DJ: Cheating takes an emotional toll on people and on the relationship like an elephant rampaging on a glass house. It destroys the very foundation that makes a relationship solid and a safe place to be in. It puts a lot of things into question—who we believe we are, the person we thought we know, what was shared together, the capacity to trust and even faith in one’s judgement. The good thing is you’re already clear about how to move this forward. You want to forgive her. Of course, it’s not easy but I am here to help.
Contrary to popular belief, a number of those who cheat love their partners. In fact, a lot of them aren’t cheaters but people who followed their heart and later realized the dimwit gives bad directions. They’re human beings, too. And as we know, even the best of us screws up. My first suggestion is you put things in perspective. Okay, she saw another fish in the sea and found out too late that she sucks at fishing. But is there a pattern of cheating? Most people never think to be in an affair until they do. Of course, what she did isn’t right. There is no excuse for it. And I’m not suggesting you place a blame on yourself for your straying partner. Consider, though, that perhaps she cheated not because she wanted to be in a different relationship. Probably she just wanted the relationship to be different. Was there already a problem even before the affair? Like a missile, it might have been there just sitting, waiting to be launched. The new guy simply pressed the button and boom! Understanding what caused the affair is key to being able to move forward.
Second, if you’re convinced that she’s learned her lesson, pray for the grace to let go of the burden of carrying negative emotions. The hurt you feel can be likened to a deep physical wound. It won’t heal unless you close it. Forgiveness is an important life skill. It’s the ability to regain peace after a part of our life did not work out the way we thought it should be. Science tells us that remembering a hurt triggers stress chemicals. And every time we recall a hurt, our body is stressed in a chronic way. It’s okay not to be okay. To be at a point at which a shrieking, floor-pounding, frothing-at-the-mouth tantrum can become inevitable. The sooner that we can let go of negative feelings, however, the sooner we can have our peace. Cheating and dumping you were wrong and inappropriate. But forgiving her means making peace with what happened. It frees you. You can now continue living with a lighter heart. It won’t mend your relationship right away but it is a good start.
Third, focus on why you want her back in your life. Were there times she was there for you when you needed her the most? Make a list of all reasons that make her special. Your future with her and without her, which one looks better and happier? If you truly love her, she’s hard to replace. I’m not saying you keep the relationship while she’s busy keeping secrets. But if you’re convinced she deserves a second chance, start rebuilding trust.
Sure, it’s unrealistic to just shake everything off and move on as if nothing happened. But have a grip of your own emotions. This might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass. And if why you are choosing to stay is crystal clear to you, you will likely pull through.
Bro, part of loving is about helping our beloved understand their flaws, not leave them for it. Just saying. It’s challenging. But love and forgiveness are matters you can grow and develop.