JANE: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m into foundations. I use it on my face. I’m in my late 40s. Never been married. Aside from that, I’m into a series of relationships through the years with guys which often end months after graduation. It’s not my dream to chair a scholarship foundation. But it’s exactly who life is making me. Just recently, I was dumped by my boyfriend for a classmate. Only last December. A super typhoon and a looming Omicron variant could not stop them from holding a wedding. How romantic. Some people have all the luck. When can I have mine?
DJ: In statistics, we learned that understanding recurring patterns allow us to make educated assumptions and hypotheses. Patterns are everywhere in life. Some people see these as coincidences. A series of good luck or bad luck. Personally, I believe that everything that shows up in our life has a lesson. Particularly those life dramas with seasons that last for years! Something’s got to change to break the pattern. A good first step is mindfulness. When we pay attention to these life repetitions, we learn the lesson and are able to effectively move forward with life. Patterns help us decide what serves us right. They facilitate interpretation of the circumstances around. In your case, you’re always taken. Advantaged. Seriously, you’re in a string of relationships with Mr. University who leaves you after he secures that wax paper. Chasing mediocrity. Guys in the category of bargain basement priced junk food, cut-rate cigarettes or cheap tequila. Tolerable short-term but are no good long-term. What is this pattern telling you?
Aside from a probable bias to the out of school youth, you’re likely to be settling for less. It’s not about dating outside your tax bracket. It is settling for someone whose values, goals and life choices don’t match your own. What drives this pattern? These are but possibilities and I leave it up to you to decide whether they apply to you or not. People pleasing tendencies make one vulnerable to be taken advantaged. Are you consistently putting your own needs on the back burner and bringing others’ needs to the forefront? Where is this stemming from? Low self-esteem? Individuals who view themselves low tend to think they deserve less. Is there something you wish to prove? Is there a void you want to fill? Are you jealous of your coupled-up friends who suddenly changed names to “Honey, “Baby” or “Love?” Is there a lifelong belief you might need to alter? If we keep the same mindset, we demonstrate the same behavior and more often than not, we get the same result.
I’ve got a number of friends who believe they cannot have a full life unless they marry. Unfortunately, in these same set of friends—who we can statistically call as samples. I am also seeing a pattern of settling for less. It’s like buying a house. If you’ve already made up your mind that you need to buy one before the sun sets, your focus is already on securing a house. What will you most likely get? Because it’s already five in the afternoon, any house will do.
Being too busy wondering if you’re good enough for others keeps you from asking yourself whether these people are good enough for you. Say no to anything you don’t deserve. Notice how we’re reminded before the airplane takes off that in an event of an emergency, we put on our oxygen mask first before helping others. It isn’t selfishness. It’s no-nonsense. You have to live—physically and emotionally—for you to be able to help others live. It’s not your sole responsibility to step up and make a relationship work. It’s a partnership. Like a tango. Otherwise, it can leave you feeling used, drained, even resentful.
Know the difference between someone who loves you because he needs you and someone who needs you because he loves you. You deserve better. Your character, your work, your effort—your life is valuable. Seriously consider dropping that foundation—the product, the scholarship or both! Don’t sell yourself short. Looks fade. But a time tested confidently beautiful woman with brains and heart is priceless. Always remember, you are not some old piece on a clearance rack. You are a special edition. Timeless.