ROSE: Hi, Singlestalk. My boyfriend and I recently celebrated our fifth year as a couple in a fancy place. Exquisite food, vintage chardonnays, tasteful artwork and fresh flowers. Everything flowed as smoothly as the Mozart serenade. I knew he was up to something. Then the moment finally arrived. The waiter handed him the bunch of chic, red roses and he gave me that smile that made me fall in love with him all over again. He said, “Babe, I love you.” I can’t remember the rest of the words because I was breathlessly anticipating his proposal. Yes, he did ask—“Do you think it’s a good idea for you to move back to your parents’ place?” Yeah, it’s already Alert Level 1. We can see each other without having to live together. He’s a great guy. I’m convinced he’s the one. Why is he not proposing? What will make him propose?
DJ: He stole your heart. You want to take your revenge by taking his last name. You’re in a relationship for a significant amount of time, are both of age and you’re now feeling the engagement fever. But he’s cold about it like a frozen, frosty, icy bottle of Red Horse. You think he’s the one. Cool. Are you the one? Seriously, though, it is okay not to be okay with having a bare ring finger. While cultural points of view are becoming less traditional, marriage is still held up as a primary relationship goal. Hopefully, this isn’t a case of him thinking he’s already reaping the benefits. Why make it official? He’s been awarded with husband privileges. Why earn it?
Other than not believing in marriage, there are lots of possible reasons why your boyfriend is slow to get down on one knee. The seriousness of marriage can scare many of us. It’s a life-changing and a lifetime commitment, rightfully to be approached slowly and carefully. My suggestion? Assess if he demonstrates commitment to you in many other ways. How is he putting in effort? Is he working through common issues to strengthen the relationship? How interested is your guy with the people and matters that are close to you? Does he talk about growing old with you? Consider giving him a year to work through this in his own way.
Another possibility is he feels he isn’t where he needs to be in life. Career or money is often involved. Is he supporting his immediate family? He is unlikely to propose, too, when he just changed careers, was recently laid off or didn’t get the promotion he was hoping for. Guys go through societal pressures, specifically how wide and how deep is our capacity to provide. When he decides to marry someone, he is taking responsibility. And that responsibility is on his shoulders—not yours. We all have dreams and goals in life, and he will make this decision when he is ready.
For now, affirming, showing support and demonstrating respect for what matters to him might help him grow more confident to take that next bold step in life. You don’t want your boyfriend to feel like he is in a pressure cooker. But your quest for wife status should not also set your life, your dreams, your goals on fire just to keep him warm. By now, you know what matters to him. Is it wealth, achievement, faith, socializing or autonomy? The list goes on. Is there an aspect in the relationship that gives him serious pause? Have a deep and searching conversation together. See whether or not your values align. Being partners in life goes beyond interests and hobbies but centers around what each of you deem important and worthy of time and energy.
Knowing that he’s the one and that you’re the one weighs much more than him on one knee with a big ring, walking down the aisle in a Monique Lhuillier and the whole shebang. There’s no perfect person and there is no perfect marriage. Just two people who love each other, whose values, desires, goals match. Like gravy to a Chicken Joy. If he is not ready to move forward yet, it is his choice. And you decide to either stay or go. Continue to grow emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. Strong men are attracted to strong women like bees to honey. You’re the honey. Love yourself.