NORA: Hi, Singlestalk. I am now in my early 50s. My last relationship lasted 12 years. It ended when I was 38. Too close to my fourth decade. Too late to start over. If I am unmarried yet, I am frankly and quietly blaming him. He had me when I was at my best. He left me in the freezer when I was no longer young and fresh. I once modeled, traveled the world but I believed in love and I was wrong. How can I forgive him? And how can I move on and still be a happy single woman?
DJ: The last question is your ticket to peace: How to move forward. Not so long ago, my heart was broken by someone whose heart I would never break. For four years my life was a complete devastation. Cracked open. Wide open. Faith helped me come together after falling apart in a way that’s unexpected and exactly how I need to be, stronger, wiser, more secure and braver than before. You are a beautiful person. Why did it happen to you? Bad things, unfortunately, happen even to good people. How can one explain the tragedies involving innocent lives due to war? The thing is as long as we live, we go through ups and downs, the positives and the negatives of life. Life is dynamic. Beautiful but sometimes frayed at the edges. Why? I don’t have the full answer. What I can tell you is that grief is valid and it’s up to us to choose what happens next—to stay down, to fall further or to rebuild. We have the power to decide.
Staying down for a while is completely okay. I frankly had my share of alcohol, not only to wash out my hands from the virus and the bitterness I was holding on to, but to also push down the pain. But I learned the hard way that pain also pushes back until it is acknowledged. That’s why I don’t suggest for someone to deny, distract or block the hurt. It’s part of the stillness that’s needed for healing. But there comes a point to decide enough is enough. Feelings are like a chapter in your story. It has a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning, to me, is the hardest. You have to stay persistent and focused to get up and to stay up. Even the deepest pits, however, have a bottom. There is no other way but up.
After 12 years of being together and leaving you cold, makes your ex an “ex”ample of who you shouldn’t have. Framing the breakup as a bad thing that happened for you instead of to you moves you forward. What if it was a blessing in disguise? What if it would have been a string of heartaches if you ended up together? His decision was outside your control. You don’t have a complete influence on what is done unto you. Part of every relationship—family, friends, loved ones. But think about the opportunities that have been made available because of what happened. In my case, the heartbreak enlarged my appetite to learn entrepreneurship. The discipline the relationship taught me—it actually required too much emotional quotient to keep it going—made me a better, situational leader at work and in life. Sometimes, we fall. It may be because of our own doing or someone else’s fault. But when we reframe our thought at looking at a fall as we would an opportunity, they eventually become one and the same. They make us better.
There are areas in your life today that you have control. In my case, I joined the Rotary, became more active in Toastmasters and was eventually commissioned as a reserve officer of the Navy. I’m also teaching and coaching up-and-coming leaders. No organization or person is perfect. They, however, can give us more meaning and life direction. The heartbreak also led to more words and insights to write and help others in a similar plight. As much as you can, shift your focus from what you had to what you have. Think about Lotlot and friends... and family, too. Seriously, spend on yourself and your loved ones. Even splurge if you can. Travel. Do whatever makes you happy. The triumphs and defeats are the heart and soul of a life fully lived. Because of the lows, the highs have full definition.
Yours is a remarkable story of a great love, of growth, courage and achievement. I salute you. The sage was and is right—we are never denied, only redirected.