SARAH: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m in a nine-year relationship with a family friend. Our paths have become completely different. I am an entrepreneur making a name for myself. He works in a logistics company. There’s little acumen to share. Our choice of friends, our perspective, even our current political views have become so unlike. I think he feels the same way too. He’d rather hang out with his varsity mates than spend Saturday nights with me. I think we’re just keeping on because of the time we’ve invested in the relationship. I am in my early 30s. My mom said this is the last trip. Why should I let him go? But I’m frankly not happy anymore.
DJ: It’s scary when you start to question your relationship. There’s no definite sign that keeps you from wondering if you’ve made the right decision. It’s painful to stay or to imagine leaving. Not every low point means it’s necessarily the end. Are you still interested in what exactly he is doing? Are you having trouble getting him to listen to you too? If you’ve lost interest in your conversation with each other, it’s a bad sign. How much good do you see about him in proportion to his flaws? It’s been nine years. You’re at this point when you no longer idolize him and are seeing him as a human being. It’s okay to dislike certain traits. I’m sure he’s got some observations as well about you. But if you’re already nitpicking, love may be dissipating. Do you imagine pushing his head under water whenever he shares his point of view and feel satisfaction when the bubble stops? Chances are, he may have changed into someone you did not fall in love with or you may have changed and want something different.
When people truly love and care for each other, they want to hear each other’s thoughts. Do you still argue? Sounds counterintuitive but open conflict can mean the relationship is still worth your time and your best self. You can communicate in an open and honest way that will bring you closer together. You fight to be better. But if you’ve become indifferent with the issues that get brought up, when you think thoughts and feelings no longer matter or are not worth sharing, that’s sad. No response is a response. And it’s a powerful one. How often has the future come up lately? Do you feel relief when your partner is absent? It’s okay to experience happiness and positive emotions in the company of other people. However, if your contentment increases when you’re alone or with friends and decreases when he is around, this is a very strong sign that you both have so little love to hold onto.
There are many ways to save your relationship. Connecting with your core values and strength is a good start. Why did you get into the relationship to begin with? What’s changed to even make you question if the relationship is worth saving? What are your deal breakers? What are you not doing enough? Then I suggest you both have an open and honest conversation. If you have the same hobby you once enjoyed doing together, have more of that in the relationship. Do some of the things you did for fun. Recapture those moments when both of you were at your best. By putting yourselves in the shoes of your past selves, you might unlock the feelings you forgot you had. Build a culture of appreciation. Catch him do something right and acknowledge it. When the feeling is gone, that doesn’t mean you can’t ever get it back. But both you and your partner must have a willingness and ability to save the relationship. Falling out of love sneaks up just as quietly as falling in love did in the beginning. And if one of you has already mentally and emotionally checked out, then it’s likely that the relationship may have run its course. Relationships end not because things are hard. It ends when the people in it think it’s no longer worth it.
While couplehood is about being a pair, true fulfillment and happiness starts with the self. Taking a closer look at your own actions, what you’re bringing in the relationship helps you both arrive at a conclusion. Yes, you are in your 30s, but this is not just about age and a biological train you need to catch. This is about you and him. Both of you deserve a partner with whom you share love, a life of joy and affection. You’re cooler than him. But that also makes him hotter than you. That’s the gold standard. Nothing short of that.