I: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m in my mid-30s. My last relationship ended five years ago. The pipeline has zero in it. Last week, my friend’s boyfriend put a ring around her finger. The rendezvous was splashed all over Instagram. The ring looked hideous but that’s not my problem. We’re the only singles left in our college squad. Gosh, the last man standing is a woman. And she’s not Imelda but me. I’m the grand winner of the bachelorette! Will you marry me? I envy her. Honestly.
D: Your proposal surprised me, not because it’s audacious but because you just wanted to settle. With me. Okay, tone those dagger eyes down, relax those clenched fists and read on. In a perfect world, engagement envy should not exist. In the real world, however, people sometimes want what someone else has. A princess wishes to walk down the aisle with her Prince Charming. If you felt your skin crawl when your friend’s engagement was announced to the masses, it’s understandable. Why not you? However, this vicious emotion can spiral downward leading you to bash it out on your friend—and her ring—when unchecked. Don’t be the girl with a bucket of water, her girl friend was on fire and she drank the water!
Sure, your bestie is caught up in the excitement. But you can share to her how her upcoming nuptials are leaving you a little wigged out without raining on her parade. You’re on a dating dry spell. You may be wondering if you’ll ever achieve the same bliss she’s found. Perhaps you’re also afraid that the equation in your friendship will change after she gets married. If you’ve been out of sorts since she first splashed her engagement rock on Instagram, she can probably sense your inner turmoil and may be wondering what’s going on. She’ll appreciate your honesty, without feeling like she has to make up for the fact that she’s getting married.
Don’t fall into the bash-yourself trap, too. Obsessing that everyone who ever loved you was wrong is a tough hole to dig your way out. You write well. You have a good sense of humor. Perhaps you’re successful in your chosen field. Just because you’re not getting married and all your friends are doesn’t mean you are failing. Instead of comparing your life to some imaginary timeline that the people around you seemed to follow, focus on your own timeline. Be mindful, too, of using pride to counteract envy. Like saying, “Sure, she’s getting married but I’m smarter. She not even pretty enough to be this stupid.” You might feel vindicated for now. But sooner or later, someone is going to come along and she’ll make you look as sharp as marble. Plus, she has a ring on her finger. The whole thing just maintains the same unstable social comparison hierarchy where someone else needs to be put down to boost yourself up and vice versa. We envy others when we count their blessings instead of ours. Reframe your thoughts toward your own gifts. Appreciate your uniqueness.
Social media has created a world where we compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the “Photoshopped” lives uploaded on Instagram. It’s like carrying envy amplification devices all the time. Now there’s career envy, body envy, vacation envy, shoe size envy. Okay, I made the last one up. But you name it, there’s something to be envious about. All these take a toll on many of us feeling like we’re a marginalized sector of society. And if you think you need to tune these out, consider doing so. Have a social media detox. It can silence your discontent and disarm the green-eyed monster inside you as your friend uploads those really cute pre-nuptial photos shot at Osmeña Peak.
I know dodging questions from people about why you’re not married yet has become a full-time job the moment you’re 30. I’m going through that, too. But ever since I realized that joy is not a finite resource, I learned to be happy for what I have and for what others have. As they say, there are ultimately two types of pain. One that hurts us and the other that changes us for the better. The choice ultimately is yours. Cliché as it sounds but decided to be better. Not bitter.