SANDRA: Hi Singlestalk. I’m in a six-month relationship with an officemate. My ex left for Dubai three years ago. We cut the cord in 2020. We couldn’t keep up with the demands of a long-distance relationship. We parted just through chat. I was so mad I didn’t even want to talk to him over the phone. Recently, I learned that he’s in town for a vacation for two months now. Honestly? I want to say sorry. Is it wise to reach out and have our closure?

DJ: You’re now in a relationship. Why do you still want to talk to your ex? Personally, I can’t help but be a little skeptical. Sure, it sounds like it was a tumultuous breakup. You were not waltzing away from the relationship with a champagne glass in hand, toasting to your new life. Staying away, to me, still is the better path.

You are already in a relationship. What’s its status? Being secure about it is crucial before you make any move. There’s a difference between a healthy and unhealthy communication with your ex. A lot of it has something to do with your current relationship status. If it’s still in the adjustment period, being in touch with your ex is a tricky move. Even if your ex has moved on. There may still be some unresolved emotions lurking within you. However, if the current relationship is thriving and there are no romantic feelings involved, communication with your ex may not make your boyfriend feel antsy when your phone vibrates.

Why do you want to reach out? One of the most important aspects in determining whether or not you should reach out to your ex is your motivation. If you want to see him so badly, it’s tough to remain objective. Breakups are always emotional. And raw emotion makes it hard to discern your motives for contacting your ex. Technically, you already broke up. Your ex is no longer your partner or even necessarily your friend. What kind of closure are you looking for? Reaching out can potentially open again what should remain closed. What do you want to happen? Are you hoping for a tearful reunion? Do you want to hash out what went wrong? But is your ex still willing to talk? Don’t you think he has his reasons why he remains disengaged? It’s been two months.

You can say what happened was not a cut-and-dried endeavor where you broke up, moved on, and went about your life. You did not have a chance to even talk. Speaking to your ex, on the flip side, can also keep your wounds from healing. Particularly if you still romanticize about the past. You might only be extracting the moments of the relationship you want to remember. It can obscure the valid concerns that led to the breakup. This email is just the beginning. I suggest you continue to seek support of family and friends you know who want the best for you. Go over all the emotions, concerns, fears and the rest of it. You can also write him a letter. Let it all out. But don’t send it. That way, you can express your emotions without involving your ex. I tried this before and it worked.

Breakups are never easy. You have created a space in your brain while you were together for your ex to act as a romantic partner. This space is not easily reassigned. It’s like breaking an addiction. It’s normal to want to dip back for more. You can consider, however, forging ahead with a friendship when both of you have already healed. Till then, I think it works better if you cut yourself off the source. Don’t rush just because he is in town. When you’re ready, you’ll know.