DOLLY: Hi, Singlestalk. I am a trophy girlfriend. My boyfriend was a campus heartthrob. Classic: Tall, dark and handsome. Wait, there’s more. He’s gay. I agreed to be his girlfriend after graduation. Call me a fool for love. I am his best friend and I love him. It’s been six years since the arrangement. I’m frankly losing myself in this set-up. Lately, things have been very painful considering that he’s secretly having a relationship with another man. Can I change him? Should I finally move on and be with someone who will love me or should I stay with the one I love?
DJ: I had to cut certain descriptors used as the clues were far too obvious. The guy obviously has hurt you. But you also agreed to the setup. Hopefully, writing this email is not about righting the wrong with another wrong—to embarrass him.
Everyone wants to feed the ego and feel better about ourselves. Women tend to shop and color their hair while a number of guys go for cars and gadgets to get that feel good factor. It’s understandable how heartbreaking it must be to be just a quintessential trophy girlfriend for someone who you deeply love. No one wants to be flexed around like a prized possession to cover up the truth. He loves himself and his boyfriend more than you. But you signed up for this, didn’t you? You are playing with fire. You probably thought it would ’warm your heart. But now it’s burning down the house. So, what should you do? This setup isn’t working for you, right? Why work for it?
You probably thought you could walk on water for him. But dang, you can’t change this guy or anyone unless he wants to. What you can change is your reaction and the role you’re playing in this drama. Love and respect are pillars of every healthy relationship. If all he wanted for you to be by his side is to act as his shield, do you really deserve this? You can be the best woman on this wonderful planet Earth. You may be capable of interesting conversation. You can probably cook a mean adobo. Or hand out backrubs like peanuts! But does he really care about you and what your lovely hands—or any body part for that matter—can do? He likes boys. Period. And all he cares about is his image. No cap. Tell him you’ve come to your senses, that you are not a doll he can keep dressing up so he looks good.
Ask him where he sees himself and this relationship in five years. A healthy relationship needs to move forward. Your being a woman is supposed to be among your super powers. Women are the driving force why we go out and hustle. Look, guys drive fancy cars, get haircuts, step up our game to increase the probability to be with the woman we love. But this kind of power doesn’t work at all over this dude. He wants a B. And you are not an object to be used and discarded. You are a person. Win the ultimate prize of regaining your dignity and self-esteem. I suggest you take chances to be with someone who loves you.
Maybe you’re afraid he is going away and you’ll be alone. That’s why you’re letting him get away with disrespecting you. TBH, this life looks good on you too. A relationship with a babe magnet. Your best friend. And you may be allowing him to play on it, big time. But come to think of it, it’s not this guy who determines your value. It’s you. Even if he successfully sweet-talked you into this deal, you’re still the one with the total control of your situation. Every move you make, whatever you tolerate, determine whether he should continue to play you or be straight with you. Even if he’s not.
You love him. But he obviously does not share your romantic ideals. This is one of those rare moments when I’m suggesting something specific--let go of him. Let him walk away. Why do you care? He’s not the guy you’re looking for. Take control of what you can control and use that to experience the relationship you deserve. Being single is smarter than being in the wrong relationship.