WHEN I was a child, I always feared the month of September because it was my birth month. Just as I do not want to celebrate Christmas, I also refuse to honor my natal day. I guess it was because I came from a broken family, and I usually woke up at dawn and ended my day during my birthdays like an ordinary day alone.
And so, when I married and had children Bea and Macoy, they would always be excited to prepare for my birthday. Unconsciously, I permanently blocked their plans and made sure I would be busy on that day, like being a speaker in a seminar, having out-of-town workshops, or whatever excuse, so I would not be able to celebrate it. But over the years, they have always been persistent and made sure I blow out candles on a birthday cake.
This year, the same as before, I have announced to my family that I do not have the time to celebrate it, as I must beat deadlines. My mother and sister also called me and asked – what will we do on my special day? I told them nothing because I would not want to spend as everybody is experiencing a financial crisis now, another excuse I have made.
But then, when I was eating dinner with my husband Rey, he was sad to hear that I had no plans. I even got disappointed; why is he so eager to celebrate it? He uttered, "Let us all build happy memories, so our children remember and that they too carry it out when they have their own family, let us teach them to honor birthdays and not to build sad memories." When I heard that, my heart bled, and I learned I would not want my children to feel the same during their birthdays.
And so, on that day, I searched on Facebook for a place where we could build memories that would nourish us. Until I could speak to one of my favorite students who is now a nurse, Faye Abdul, who owns an apartment, I asked about it as it could be the right place to invite my other loved ones like Mom, Sister Anne, etc. Fortunately, she offered me "Chalet,"; a hidden Spanish Mediterranean-inspired Staycation house in Toril with a swimming pool. Immediately, I asked her to send me photos, and wow, I forgot that I'm not particularly eager to celebrate birthdays. And now my heart tells me to spend my birthday in this place, leave my job for a moment and breathe the air of family bonding, love, and joy.
But when we arrived at the place, I became uncomfortable again. So, I closed my eyes and whispered to God, "Lord, heal the pain within me." And God, inside, I am crying because of the white swing I saw beside a Christmas tree as I entered its gate. And co-incidence that it was also raining. Oh, why is this happening? The swing and the rain were precisely the images I hated to see. The swing and the rain witnessed my extreme sadness when I was eight. The swing in the playground of Immaculate Conception College (now the University of Immaculate Conception) was where I usually sat early, at six-thirty in the morning crying, while it was raining.
I believe that God is telling me to move on. Enjoy the white swing and feel the rain falling. As I entered the house, I saw the photo of God on the wall, and it was like telling me – "Be not afraid, free yourself from the painful memories, build happy memories then." So, then I started to take pictures with my husband, Rey. My Macoy, I heard his laughs with his cousin Jairo; I saw them swimming while there was rain. Brother Dave was amazed by the place. My mom was comfortably sitting on a couch with my sister Ann, and I saw the joy in their eyes. Oh God, I would love this to happen again.
The overnight birthday celebration was enough to cover all those birthdays I have refused to celebrate. This time, I would not pretend and create stories that my birthday was well and good. But I can honestly say it was fun and memorable. Thank you to my husband Rey for insisting that birthdays are not birth-death and Faye for offering me Chalet, a place like heaven! Now, I am not afraid to swing in the rain.