@MELISSA: Hi, Singlestalk. My boyfriend and I just broke up. Perfect timing, right? It’s the holiday season. There was no third party involved. He just said it’s not me, it’s him. He fell out of love. Why? Is it because he is now a senior associate in the firm while I am still starting out after passing the board exam? Is it because I’m tied to being the breadwinner while he’s on his way to achieving financial freedom? Is it because he’s been going out to parties and events while I can’t? Where did I go wrong? Tell me. Why did he change his mind completely?
DJ: Christmas isn’t really all booze and a celebration for everyone. Relationships end too around the festive season. You think it’s the most wonderful time of the year and then boom. You’re dumped. Sounds like a jerk move. It’s natural to feel sad. So as the holiday invites come flooding in, structure your schedule and push for anything that makes you more sociable. Being alone can allow your negative thoughts to go forth and multiply. At this time, the best decision to make is to get out of the door.
It is okay not to be okay. You were like this toddler at a party who doesn’t want to leave even though the party is over. You can wallow for a few days. Wanna eat the entire chocolate moist cake? Go ahead. What is not okay to be okay with is to get stuck with your thoughts spiraling downward. Why did he break up with you? Allowing the what-ifs and might-have-beens to rule your mind can be damaging to your wellbeing. It’s already like negotiating with the devil to save your relationship, obsessing with the idea of how to unbreak the breakup. You want more answers? Here’s the thing. I have yet to meet someone dumped who found all the answers. Why fight for someone who already stopped fighting for you?
Consider not having any contact with your common friends. Except those really good ones you made before you and he became an item. Think about taking a leave from FB and IG. This keeps you from checking a million times the images he’s posting. Who’s this lady with him on the table? Why is his face too close to this guy next to him? It’s tempting to zoom in on every person in the room. Besides, you risk being constantly smacked across the face by all the proposals and happy couples on social media. Take good care of yourself, your mental health specifically, and spend extra quality time instead with people who love you. Just because your love life is over, it doesn’t mean love isn’t all around you. Allow them to help you heal. You’re feeling disengaged from the security of being in a relationship. Connecting with others is essential.
The holidays also offer countless opportunities to do volunteer work. Seize the moment. It can help you gain perspective from other people’s struggles that are at times far greater than a breakup. Going through a painful heartbreak years ago, I came across this lady who lost her husband to cancer. She was a plain housewife who all of a sudden had to look for work to raise her five young kids. This took my focus off myself and my pain. Even for a while. Now should you send the present he wished to receive this Christmas? Should you even send a holiday message? Why? Look more closely at your motive. If you want him back, he needs to get to a place where he misses you enough to contact you. Anything less than that is setting yourself up for failure. Don’t wallow on music and activities that remind you of your ex. Detach yourself from him. That’s the way for you to eventually get a point where he becomes just like any other guy.
Getting dumped is harsh and doing it during the holidays is raising the bar to another level. It’s a sucky time to get kicked out from a relationship just when Mariah Carey keeps singing, “All I Want for Christmas is You.” The silver lining is you’ll get to start 2023 fresh. A lot of relationships that end during the holiday season are already on life support. This new year, you’ll be free to build healthy relationships, wealth, knowledge, fitness, friendships or anything else you can imagine. You’re back on the driver’s seat of your life. So go, get better and become the person you are meant to be. Make use of the time to be the best of who you can be, the woman who got away. Trust me, it all gets better from here.