@TRINA: Hi, Singlestalk. Few weeks ago, I read your response to a girl in a relationship with this guy with a checkered past. You were diplomatic about it but it sounded to me like your bias was for her to be cautious. Well, I have a past I am not proud of. But from it came my truest joy — my baby. Adorable from head to toe. She’s now three, always wrapped in the warmth of sunshine. For three weeks now, an officemate is courting me. I like him. He’s incredibly smart and comes from a good family. That’s also my problem. I don’t think his Chinese conservative family will ever approve of me. He’s two years younger, too. Do you think we’ll ever have a future? Considering his stature, am I enough? Or should I just nip this in the bud. He’s way too good for me.
DJ: This is a problem of perspective. And you’re thinking like your eyes. You can see what’s around you but not within. Are you not enough? The best way to convince others of this narrative is to believe this yourself. Have you ever wondered what “enough” specifically means?
First, have you heard about the wise saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder? While there are certain attributes that seem to be celebrated in society, there is ultimately no absolute criteria why a person is attractive. Your self-assessment is your own. And if you step out your own mind, it’s likely that you’ll see how someone’s opinion of you can be more positive. In my previous article, I mentioned that we all make mistakes. What matters more are the lessons we learned and who we become in the process. If you are now better, stronger and wiser because of your past, that must be why he fell in love with you in the first place. Don’t write it off. He chose you and he did so for a reason. You deserve him.
Second, you’re probably putting the guy on too high of a pedestal. Even without knowing him, I can assure you he and his family are not perfect. No one is. And thinking that they are putting too much pressure on you and the relationship. It isn’t fair for you to focus just on your weakness and compare these with his strengths. While you should not focus on all of his or his family’s faults, recognize that those faults do exist. I suggest you look at them as people with both strengths and weaknesses. Very much like you. It will keep your views more balanced, not to mention healthy.
Third, make a large list about what you like or respect about yourself. Are you a good parent to your son? When have you been a good friend? With whom have you behaved with compassion or kindness? When have you been so brave? What were those events in which you have demonstrated good social skills? What areas of your work have you been successful at? Refer to this list often so you’ll be reminded about why you are more lovable than you think. Every day is a day to learn to love everything about who you are.
Fourth, let hope run your life instead of fear. Thinking that you’re inferior to him can cave yourself in darkness, disabling you from seeing the good you. It also blinds you from the beauty of what this potential relationship can be. Feeling of unworthiness can push away love or sabotage love when it is offered to you. You are in a better position to make a sound judgement when you come from a space of inspiration as opposed to just your doubts. We all want to be loved. And it’s easier for people to love you when you love yourself.
For what it’s worth, you sound like a fine lady I can fall for. However, it is ultimately you who will have to fight for the love you deserve. I’ve read somewhere that love is not a reward. It can’t be subtracted or divided. It is just there. Why not give this guy a chance?