Moises: Possibly carrying a heavy Cruise

Moises: Possibly carrying a heavy Cruise

@BEA: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m in my early 40s. Been into several relationships. The current one is with a boyfriend who is quite unstable. Let’s call him Tom. He’s eight years my junior, still dependent on his parents, dreams to be an entrepreneur but isn’t really succeeding after several attempts. I observed he’s just good at starting something, not necessarily following through. That’s the same pattern in our relationship. We’re in our fifth year. It’s not a partnership but rather a sole proprietorship. I’m the only one owning the role of making it work. He’s a dead tree. Sometimes I wonder why he’s still in this relationship. I am not getting any younger. And I’m afraid this is already the last trip. Should I still hang on to this?

DJ: Are you enjoying the ride? Is this Tom still verbalizing that he loves you? If not, we can never really tell. Looks like you can’t also find the answer in his actions. My thoughts? If the guy loves you, he’s interested in you. He pays attention to details about your likes and dislikes. He takes note of your needs to the best of his ability. Have you communicated that you’re not happy? Wait, are you? Relationships do not dissolve overnight. It takes time for things to fall apart. You can compromise from time to time. What isn’t okay is when you’re compromising your worth over an extended period of time. For how long it should then be? Five years max perhaps? So, if he’s really a dead tree as you described, why are you still clawing, ploughing or cultivating the soil?

For someone who is in her 40s, the emotional complication that burps out of a potential breakup can be more taxing than other splits that happened early on. Especially if you feel pressured to fit into the general public’s expectation that a woman your age should already be raising a child. Even a teenager. The concern of starting over can be sharp as well if you’re already thinking about settling down and starting a family. The older people get, the stakes get higher. It feels a lot safer when you’re doing what everybody is doing. Your feelings are valid.

You mentioned that you were into several relationships that didn’t last long. Overall, were you the dumper or the dumpee? Were these breakups over a singular issue or was it about a number of red flags that you somehow tried to ignore? Did the relationship just suddenly snap or were things already turbulent for a long time? What I’m trying to establish here is for you to take a closer look at your patterns. Cliché as it sounds but I’m sure you’ve heard about this — if you continue to do what you’ve always done, you will continue to get what you’ve always gotten. Something’s got to change. And it starts by truthfully looking at these situations, learning those lessons so you can graduate to senior high. Pretty much like you were in school, right? Because if you fail to learn what’s required from that relationship curriculum, the universe will send you again the same set of lessons. And the cycle repeats until you learn. Then you’re ready to move up to the next level.

I can’t say this is your last trip. More like it’s a trip to just outside the gates of Jerusalem. Calvary to be more specific. I am concerned about this heavy weight you’re carrying on your shoulders. Wait, is Tom’s surname Cruise? Sometimes, we just have to learn to let go of people simply because they are heavy. He breaks your heart once, you can mend it back again. He does it twice, you can do more repair work. But if he does it over and over and over again, don’t you think your heart is now broken into so many pieces? Can you still put them back together? It takes courage to follow your heart. You’re able to last this long. It’s also about the same amount of courage it takes not to compromise what you know inside your heart and mind matters that you deserve. I think you know which path to take. You’ll be more than okay.

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