@SANDRA: Hi, Singlestalk. I have a difficult, troubled boyfriend of six years. He’s self-made, hardworking and brilliant. He’s also headstrong and stubborn as a mule. It’s his way or the highway. Tends to be verbally abusive, too. Last Valentine’s Day, the inevitable happened. I told him I won’t fight for us anymore. He cried, held my hand and said, “You promised not to leave me. Why are you giving up?”
My boyfriend is a good man. He diligently provides for his family. He comes from humble beginnings. And I still love him. It’s just that I’m not getting any younger and I’m tired of loving someone who does not respect me or my happiness. Was I right to give up on him?
DJ: I don’t exactly know what you went though. And because you reached the point of giving up, do you still feel safe with him? Do you think he can become a better person? Can you trust him with your life? Some people might tell you that you should be with him even if you’re in pain because he needs you. Or that you’ve fought and won so many battles. Why give up now?
If his imperfection does not prevent you from receiving what you need, it may still be okay to continue. To keep trying. But you said you feel he does not respect you or your happiness. How can you bind yourself to someone with such a heavy emotional weight? You seem to be not getting even the bare minimum. No one is perfect. Even you. It’s in those mistakes and relationship challenges that two people who are in it can grow. But are you? Is he?
It’s tempting to be a martyr to prove to him that you love him. He needs you. It’s possible that he’s got a problematic family history behind him and that he suffered a lot. All these can bind you sentimentally. However, you are not ultimately responsible for his mindset. Loving him for who he is should not always come at your expense. You may have your share of happy stories together. But if there are way more than many insecurities and problems to overcome than the times you feel cherished and dear, you’re in for an uphill and persistently difficult growth process which can take a lifetime. Is that a life you think you deserve?
You said he is a good man. Is it because he is authentic? There’s the absence of filters. He’s not ashamed to expose his problems explicitly. Being real, though, is never enough to make a healthy, long-lasting relationship. If his problems have serious effects on you, how can you effectively carry on mentally and emotionally over a period of time?
I also think it is uncool to completely cancel someone you love just because he exhibits problematic behavior. But if you have voiced out your thoughts and feelings and he keeps on ignoring them, you may have come to grips with the fact that you have to love him from afar. A relationship is only strong when you both learn to be better so the relationship becomes better. You’re different but you are both making the effort to understand each other. It’s give and take. Not just a one-way street. Because if the role of understanding is just on you, it’s a toxic relationship.
It’s hard to redirect the well-springs of attraction. You’ve given him five years and he isn’t considerably changing for the better. Perhaps he isn’t meant for you. And you are not meant for each other. You may have shed too many tears. Time for those tears to clear your eyes to the reality that there’s just so many broken pieces. You’ll likely hurt yourself more trying to still put them together. One day, you might also change for the better and realize that you no longer feel the need to be with him. True love stories have endings too. More so if it means the beginning of you loving yourself again.