@GP: Hi, Singlestalk. I am in a five-year relationship. She is not the one. Living together during the lockdown underscored the fact that we really don’t connect on things that matter. I’ve been discouraging her so she’ll let go of me. I’d keep myself busy even when we’re on an out-of-town trip, act impatient, give her the cold shoulder, finish off her milk without saying a word. I even purposely cheated on her. But good heavens! I can feel her commitment clawing on my shoulder. She’s standing by me, telling me she’ll be with me no matter what. Scary. I want to get rid of her no matter what. Help!
DJ: Dude, you truly need help. How can you break her heart by being unfaithful? What were you thinking? Okay, things changed after knowing her better during the pandemic. Sure, you may have realized your interests, ideas, values and feelings aren’t as well matched as you thought they were. But really, it’s not her fault if, for example, her throat clearing starts to drive you up the wall. You fell out of love.
So, you’ve been avoiding the inevitable all this time by trying to strangle love on the cradle and create a case of constructive dismissal. You failed. Obviously. Now what? There is no other way but through. Avoiding the unpleasant task of having a difficult conversation just prolongs the situation and ends up hurting her even more. You’re also poisoning the waters leading to more drama. What’s the best way to slip the noose?
Think about what you’ll say and how she’ll react. Just don’t present the problem and wing it. You know her better. Will she cry? Mad? Will she take out her knife from her bag? Who knows? Seriously, she might end up feeling even relieved not having to fulfill her promise of forever to a cunning person such as you. What I’m just saying is you anticipate her reaction and come prepared to manage it.
Don’t be brutal but be honest. She might get emotional making you reluctant to say anything else. You already started the conversation. Finish it. Don’t pick on her qualities that made you want to drop her. Start by mentioning what you like about her and then say what is not working in the relationship. Yes, you had feelings for her and enjoyed the times together. Based on what you emailed me, she did nothing wrong. You can tell her that. Just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean it’s her fault. But please, don’t use the it’s-not-you-it’s-me line. Then you can end your piece gently but firmly by saying you are 100 percent sure of your decision.
Listen to what she has to say. Be prepared to hear her side. Your perspective in the relationship is not the only one. She has her own experiences too. This is a good time to learn something about your behavior that you can change for the better. Keep the conversation short. Nothing you say is going to make it easier on her. Use the “I” language. Your friends, your mom and the universe have nothing to do with this. On the flipside, saying words such as maybe, someday or that you will regret this down the line will give her hope to hold on to. Make the breakup concrete hard as it may seem. Then be prepared to take the role of the bigger person. Don’t get baited into a fight.
Rather than putting up with a relationship that’s no longer inspiring you to be a better man, it’s better to end it and move on. You’re happier and eventually, she’ll be happier too. She deserves better. It’s painful but you learn. It builds your skills to be honest and kind even in difficult situations and on how to treat your girlfriend with respect. Time to up the ante, dude. Man up.