@KUMUKUTIKUTITAP: Hi, Singlestalk. You mentioned several times the importance of communication, to get to know the person we are dating. Well, I’ve been in this relationship for two months now. He’s a dream come true. Handsome, dapper and dexterous. Can you suggest topics we can talk about to keep the fire burning? What techniques do you suggest to make this relationship last forever?
DJ: It’s fire prevention month and you want to keep the fire burning. Topics and questions? Why don’t you ask him to marry you? Seriously, we all want important people in our lives to know we care. You don’t want to be everything he wants in someone he doesn’t want anymore. Still, I won’t suggest that you put your best foot forward. Not a big fan of that. Dating is about getting to know each other better and hopefully come to a conclusion that there’s a match. Stay authentic. I’m not saying eat with your mouth open so he can see the food inside your mouth being tossed like filth in an open garbage truck. But if you are to make some adjustment, it is to become the better version of yourself. Not to be someone else.
Strengthening the line of communication is a good start. It’s cool to be with someone you’re able to click with easily. Genuine questions about his interests, career and family are great entry points. Does he want to live in a household where both people work? What makes him feel accomplished? What’s his life’s motto? Let the conversation guide you. Look for cues. Are you the happiest person on the planet because ignorance is bliss? Or if Zombies eat brains, is he safe? Seriously, it’s not an interrogation. Just allow the conversation to flow from small talks to real talk.
Hit on topics that dig deeper into his inner world such as thoughts, goals and dreams. The purpose is not to unpack a big reservoir of drama. The goal is simple – get him talking. You say he is dexterous. Why? What does he skillfully do with his hands? I mean what are the things he’s most determined to accomplish? Where will he hope to be living in the next 10 years? Are your long-term goals aligned? What’s the next big purchase he wants to make? When was the last time he felt excited? But don’t ask the question while making good eye contact while eating a banana.
Relational mindfulness also keeps your energy focused on the present moment. Paraphrase or restate what he said using phrases like, “When you said that,” or “It sounds like.” When you’re in a gathering with your family and friends for the first time, see to it that he’s included in the conversation. Mindfulness applies in a lot things — when he feels jealous, challenged or inconvenienced, when silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Instead of reacting quickly, what’s the right thing to do in that particular moment? This practice helps both of you deepen the emotional connection.
There are also activities to help you see his true self. Make time to unplug from social media and focus on each other. Going for a hike is a good one. Somewhere you’ve never been to. You’ll figure directions together which is a great way to bond. It’ll give you the idea who takes charge. Volunteering also allows you to see his empathetic side. Is his impassioned, intense sense of entitlement really stunning? Is your mind closed while your mouth is open? Your natural tendencies often surface in these types of activities. Talk about your boundaries. Learn each other’s love language and make sure to put this into practice.
Give it time. Don’t worry too much about what he thinks. He doesn’t do it very often. Just kidding. Chill. It’s been only two months. Sure, conversations are great ways to build that bond and create what can become a lasting connection. Just keep feeding the relationship with questions, dates and conversations. In time, your relationship can grow into something even more beautiful.