CAPITOL has launched what could be the biggest investigation in the history of the Province since its decision to buy an underwater football field in Naga town so many years ago. It’s called “The Search for the Missing Towels.”

Here’s what happened, and this is based on actual news reports: Alarmed by the Cebu City Government’s plan to buy Vietnam War-era airplanes, the Provincial Board (PB) held a consultative assembly last weekend to determine if the Provincial Government doesn’t need anti-aircraft weapons to shoot the planes down if they fly over the Capitol building and other Province-owned properties.

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The PB thought, what’s City Hall’s purpose in buying war planes if not to wage war against its archenemy, the Capitol? The message is clear: City Hall is preparing to go to war with Capitol and Capitol should react fast.

What transpired during the PB consultative assembly was confidential. But one detail leaked to the media: towels were missing from the rooms occupied by the PB members. However the discussion went inside the war-room of that posh resort, it definitely inspired the PB members to link arms in defense of Capitol and to steal bath towels if it boils down to that.

But this daring display of loyalty led Gov. Gwen Garcia to launch an investigation to determine if the towels had her face printed on them. If not, the hotel is in deep trouble for violating the law. Executive Order 211, Chapter IX, Verse III, says: All items found in Cebu that resemble a school bag, a notebook, a shirt, a towel, a tarpaulin, a newspaper ad, a multicab or an electric post must have the printed face of the governor.

Facing the media after the incident, Gov. Garcia said, “Dili sulti ang pabuhaton, buhat ang pasultion.” English translation: Who says only Michael Rama can write a Michael Rama speech?

Needless to say, I was inspired to do my own investigation, guided by the following extremely scholarly question: What are the items most commonly stolen from hotel rooms? It is important for the PB members to know there are plenty of items they can take home from a hotel room other than bath towels.

In my research, towels top the list. The PB members got that one right. But they could have also helped themselves with (in the following particular order, according to my research) the blankets, pillows, flatiron, blow dryer, coffee maker, alarm clock, TV remote, telephone cord, the bed, the windows, the ceiling, and, yes, the Gideon Bible.

An amateur goes for the shampoo, conditioner, tissue paper, slippers, postcards, pens and notepads, which are giveaways, anyway. But a pro goes for the unusual, like this actual news report my research found online: “Hotel guests on holidays not only steal towels and toiletries, but some of them even take home unusual objects like sex toys, stuffed animals and toilet seats, according to a study.”

"Beyond the usual things, such as shampoos and bath towels, the most frequently stolen items were our sex toys," said a member of a hotel staff.

Before the wives and girlfriends of our PB members come knocking on Dr. Rene “Morality” Bullecer’s door, the hotel mentioned above is not in Cebu, unless the PB will hold their next consultative assembly in North West England. In which case, the Cebu City councilors will get there first onboard their Vietnam-era warplanes.