YOU know the routine: A man has a cough that won’t leave and it really starts to worry him. So one day he sees his doctor. It’s bad news for the guy. The doc adjusts his stethoscope, shakes his head, and sternly tells the man: “Ya shudda lis’end t’ the signs.”

You know how the ending will go, if you base your guess on your medical knowledge from watching too many episodes on General Hospital, House and Grey’s Anatomy.

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I mean, man, you grew up on television medical school you’re a chief of tropical diseases and even a surgeon by now, minus the real degree.

Your officemates don’t know that, of course. They trust you in making on-the-spot diagnosis of the symptoms they discuss with you, and then prescribing medication for their ailments, including marital discontent. You’re as good as Dr. Alex Karev (played by Justin Chambers on Grey’s). Just kidding.

Many of television hospitals—reel institutions that have news-headline-worthy emergency cases every minute—make a parody out of the legitimate entity. However, life is so dreary you just have to humor scriptwriters and TV producers. They need to attract sponsors to fund the “Grey’s Season 7; watch for it in September.”

We get sick of being sick, and hearing about one sickness after another. It’s sickening.

There’s even a super bug running around India, Australia and some other parts of the world, QTV reported on Friday, Aug. 13.

Once the antibiotic-resistant organism attaches to bacteria, it becomes invincible, even fatal. So far the Philippine Department of Health said the bug hasn’t discovered the county yet. It can be passed through the hand-to-mouth route.

That brings me to my hidden agenda, my own parody on health hints. I do have enough sense not to self-medicate. Kids, don’t self-medicate even at home. Laughter is the best medicine, so why not lighten up with the lighter side of health signs? From my warp-speed quack doctor’s (QD) office, here goes.

White tongue coating. Could mean: You have an oral yeast infection. Bruce Robinson, MD, of the American Academy of Dermatology, said you need to get a prescription for anti-fungal rinse. If it doesn’t clear up, revisit your doc.

Uncle Ober, QD, says: You’ve had too much of white chocolate. Switch to dark choco in the morning and milk-choco in the evening.

Cracked mouth corners. Could mean: You have vitamin deficiency, says Wilma Bergfeld, M D, a dermatologist at the Cleveland Clinic. (“Otherwise,” she says, “you’re a big lip licker. Stop that!”)

Uncle Ober says: Either you’ve been laughing out loud or gossiping about your neighbor even in your dreams. Close your mouth six times a day.

Sparse outer eyebrows. Could mean: Your thyroid isn’t pumping out enough hormones, says internist Jacob Teitelbaum, MD, author of From Fatigued to Fantastic! See your doc.

Uncle Ober says: No need to see a doc. You pulled too much hair from your eyebrows. Next time, see a trained beautician to do the job.

Dark under-eye circles. Could mean: You have allergies, says Jennifer Wider, M D, of the Society for Women’s Health Research. Nasal congestion from allergies can dilate and darken the veins around your eyes and nose.

Uncle Ober says: Why worry? Just lessen your TV time, and sleep early.

Oh dear, I’m running out of space, and I still have many cases to treat.

Well, watch me on the next episode of “Uncle Ober, QD” on Sira-Sira Store show.