Jaime D. Suico
NOW I know real pain
There is no pain more aching than
Knowing that you don’t have the
Power to bring back the life of a loved one or to
Reset the hands of time
When a loved one dies , a part of you dies with him. Your laughter can never be the same again. Joy is always lacking . Pain gnaws at your heart in your unguarded moments. But then you will wish for the pain to be not lost, because if it does it is treachery to the memory of the loved one as if you had stopped loving that person.
Our second son Nico died in a road accident when he was just three years old on a day before All Souls Day . All the pain and hardships I ever had and felt did not prepare me for this kind of pain. The pain was so raw and primitive. During the commotion, I was called that my son was hit by a bus, I ran to the road and then I saw his limp body carried by a relative, I ran away to the woods and wailed.
On the way to the hospital, I held his warm hands and invoked, cajoled and even threatened God to save him. I do not know if everyone in the medical profession are really so cold and impersonal but the attending doctor in the district hospital didn’t even bother to stand up immediately when we arrived. He waited for us to put our son on the bed , then he stood up slowly , looked at us boredly and asked “ why did you have to bring him here, when he is long gone already? ”. I sank to the floor and pulled my hair.
Could he not even pretend to touch my son’s pulse for my benefit, being perhaps a father himself? We were in a daze the following days and weeks. My wife was inconsolable. I seemeed to see him everywhere; in my dreams, in the passing jeepney, in the rays of the afternoon sun, on the stairs . The world was then full of why him, what if, could it have been. I let my anger numb my heart; the pain did not go away and I did not want it to.
Then I realized , why should I grieve so much for his dying ? I have loved him to the depth that a father could ever possibly love his child. He was a child most dear to me to the extent that I had been unfair to my two other children, because he simply commands my undivided attention. He loved me like I was a hero to him. So what is there to grieve about ? In his short years in this world, he has brought us boundless joy and I should be thankful for it. Maybe it’s time for him to go and bring joy to God in heaven. Who am I to deny God His own Will ? He lent me His child and when He gets him back, should I be angry ? I know now we have our own angel watching out for us above there .Then, I let go of the grieving, of the anger, but not the loving, not the pain. It has been eleven years since but I know I’ll never be whole again.
I have seen others grieve so much over the loss of material things. But I’m sorry, my heart does not bleed for them. They do not know real loss, real pain.