Friend Zoned?

M: Nilo has been courting Roxan for three months already. He already expressed his feelings but she keeps on saying she’s not ready yet. By going on dates with him, is she just giving him false hope? I do not think so. Going on dates does not mean she already wants to get into an exclusive relationship with him. It may simply mean that she wants to get to know him better so she can be able to decide whether she will be his girlfriend. Or not.

DJ: Building a friendship first is a cool way to start a relationship. The question now is how to make the leap from friends to flame. He’s already clear about his intentions. Now why is Roxan seeing him? Is it because she’s bored? Does she tell him about her crushes and her guy problems? Is she going out with him only when she needs to? If his answer is a “yes” to these three questions, it’s likely that he’s being friend zoned.

M: In these times of insta-everything, we tend to be impatient and expect quick results. I do agree that courting someone for three months is already quite long when you compare it to instant hookups or the “isang linggong pagibig”—where just like the creation in Genesis, first day you’re both strangers and by the seventh day, you’re planning a wedding. Nilo, you should appreciate it that Roxan is upfront in telling you she is not yet ready. That way you can assess if you are ready to wait or ready to move on and see other women.

DJ: Friendship and romantic relationships are reciprocal. If Roxan wants Nilo for a friend, she will do the friendly things he does for her. If Roxan considers him to be her boyfriend, it’s natural for her to show girlfriend-y affections too. Is she asking him questions that show interest about his life? And if Nilo likes dogs, for example, does she send him cute dog videos? Does she react when she hears his favorite song? These are not sure-fire signs but what I’m pointing out is reciprocity. A girl who likes him for a potential romantic partner will do romantic things to him. While love is supposed to be unconditional, a one-sided relationship is not usually sustainable over time.

M: There are no hard and fast rules on the length of time a relationship develops. I am even impressed that Nilo is still a courting type of guy. Some just assume that you already have an MU and MU for one does not mean mutual understanding but misunderstanding! Nilo, if you feel that despite all your efforts Roxan is not reciprocating your declarations of love and affection, you can either still decide to continue courting her in the hope that she will succumb to your persistence or you can give her time and space to be ready. Until then, enjoy your dates and let her enjoy your company.

DJ: Ultimately, he’s got to take the lead. Ask her again. If she says “yes,” then he’s in! If she says she needs more time, there really is no fixed time as to how long a courtship should go. It can go from less than a month to even more than six months. Are they growing together? Are they becoming better at listening to each other and in making joint decisions? Why they should date, for me, is a more important question to address than when they should start dating. Now what if Roxan delivers that oh-so-familiar “let’s just be friends” line? At least he knows. And if he agrees to be “just” her friend, it should be by his own choice. Not hers. At the end of the day, clarity is still a gift!

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