I am not yet done

By Danica Rose Quindap
I am not yet done
Jottings GPX

Have you ever sat on one side and examined yourself? Like you vigorously scrutinized the parts of you. I often do it, whether I am riding in a bus, sitting in a coffee shop, or whenever I have a chance to spend time with myself.

As someone who grew up in a home devoid of role models. Independence is not just a requisite but rather a merest way to survive. Each path I took was just guided by instincts and observations.

Independent and tough— that’s what I reflect to others. Maybe. But, who am I really?

One day, I received a letter from one of my treasured friends on my 18th birthday. The facade of the letter was lovely since it was handwritten and clad in lavender-scented paper. Gosh, I love accepting those gestures.

As I heartily read the letter it was then I realized that it was like a delivered gift in a box with the bomb inside. Not a box with ribbons adorned with affection and delight. It ripens my soul like how King David struck the hearts of his opponents with a two-edged sword.

Part of the letter says, “From now on, I will be distant, I now let you go and  grow on your own..”

That wasn’t the message I expected. It was a message of cutting off.

I didn’t fully grasp the full idea back then why they chose to let go of people they love instead of edifying them. I was mad and frustrated. It made me confused as if they were stealing the fire within my soul. It was depressing.

As the years passed by, I encountered people with different colors. Encountering them means learning them too. In this situation, I get to learn and unlearn the behavior I made in the past. I’ve deconstructed the parts of me that I believe will no longer serve me and those people who desire to be with me.

I now understand that letter— I have to embrace a sense of liberation and authenticity. I must learn to let go of the things that don’t go the way they are supposed to. All those things taught me to let it slip on its own— that is I am no longer in control.

Indeed, life is a process that must be characterized by change. Change must be a catalyst in crafting our character since it is the facade of our identity. We cannot force change, rather we have a choice to change. It is always up to us what path we will take: to change for the worse or change for the better.

I didn’t change at all. I learned.

I learned that in stagnancy there’s no change. If there’s no change, a person can't grow—impossible to move forward. Have you ever let your heart be a soft ground for the seed of conviction to grow? Tons of questions bugle my mind as I navigate who I am really.

But at least now, I can say that what I was in the past is not what I am right now. What I am right now is not what I will be in the future. Still, I am not yet done.*

                                          ***

Danica Rose Quindap is a medical technology student from the University of Negros Occidental-Recoletos and is currently the Information Manager of Tolentine Star, the official student publication of the university.

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