“STOP! Enough!” These were the judge’s words in Branch 45 Family Court Room. He had the power to decide whether a marriage is over or not. He motioned to stop Liza (not her real name), a mother of two, in her late 30s who began to share her story at the witness stand. I watched her from the audience bench since I will be discussing her case before the same judge as an expert witness after her.
In the middle of sharing her story of 12 years of marriage, she mumbled. She could hardly breathe. The contortions on her left face started. There were spasms on her lower lip. She stammered. No more words, only tears. The witness stand shook from her trembling body. Her shaking escalated that before it could go out of control, the judge interrupted her. She was excused to leave the witness stand after she composed herself, and walked down the witness stand with the help of the court staff.
Lisa showed all the signs of trauma on her body when she shared her story. (I have to modify the details to protect her privacy). She began to share that she was a youth pastor intern in a rural community church. The elders of the church welcomed her when she arrived. The first meeting was warm and cordial. But she did not know that in her first night in the church, in the parsonage where she would stay, one of her youth leaders would violate her.
The next day came and she showed up in church for her work as if nothing happened the night prior. She kept it secret. She did not talk about it for many reasons. One reason, she did not want to shame the whole church community. Second, she did not want to scandalize the leadership. Third, she did not want to say that her presence in the church was such a failure.
Violations of many nights continued to take place, in secrecy. As the psychologist Carl Jung once said, “You are as sick as your secrets.”
But this morning was going to be different for Liza. Her “boyfriend” declared in the presence of the congregation, “We are getting married!”. Liza acted surprised to hear the announcement, but relieved at the same time because she was in the family way. So the marriage date was set.
Liza thought that marriage would resolve all the violations that happened many months prior. The contrary was true because every time her husband now wanted to be physically intimate with her, she would refuse. She would shut down. Her re-victimization of her trauma came back, all over again, in full force, in the marriage bed.
Her husband began to have extra-marital affairs. He blamed her. Confronting him would be futile because he would hurt her physically, and this time, in the presence of their two kids. Their marriage went further downhill from there. As members of a church, they sought counselling, but the husband resisted saying that it was Liza who needed help.
Liza prayed for years, 12 years to be exact. She raised her kids alone. What are the options left for Liza? She could not file for divorce and demanded support for her kids. The argument: “What God bind together, let no man separate.” But how about what Jesus says, “Because of the hardness of man’s heart, you can divorce your spouse, but not remarry?”
Annulment will be the option for Liza on the grounds of “psychological incapacity.” (To be continued.)