@BONAKID: Colleagues say I am naïve for believing in the goodness of people. They’re not entirely wrong. I’ve found myself in several challenging situations at work due to my trusting nature. Some people still owe me money. I’m also often assigned a disproportionate amount of work because I’m a single guy, young, and a bundle of energy. During team-building activities, you’ll usually find me in the kitchen—unlike the recent controversy—making sure there’s food for everyone. It’s just that there were quite a number of times when some of these folks do bite the hands that feed them. My belief in the goodness of people also led me to be taken for granted in my relationships, for people to walk all over me. As a result, I’ve heard my fair share of “I told you so” comments. The question I sometimes grapple with is whether I should change. This is who I am.
DJ: Buy me an iPhone 15 Pro Max first before you consider changing. Seriously, what differentiates a good person from a naïve one? It’s healthy to see the best in people. Why not? What makes it unhealthy is when you continue to trust a person who failed you multiple times. That makes you an easy target. Not everyone operates on the same moral compass as you. I’m sure you’ve heard about this quote—shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice.
Yes, being nice is part of who you are. But you can still level up and be a better version of yourself, right? Don’t just chalk these mishaps to experience. Learn from them. Instead of asking yourself why did they happen to you, ask yourself instead what are they teaching you? A study in 2016 published by Science Daily asked 50 college students and 50 adults from surrounding communities aged 18 to 72 to properly gauge the slope of a hill. They discovered that older participants gave significantly more accurate estimates than younger adults. It showed a clear effect of having experiential knowledge. So, if you have been had by different people, extract the lessons and use them to spot the red flags next time. Eventually, naivety will come to a head and you’ll be deciding more in wisdom and understanding.
Now here’s the real kicker: are you doing all these out of sincere want to help or because you’re desperately seeking validation? Ever heard of dependent personality disorder or DPD? It’s a thing. Quite common actually. Just often undiagnosed. In a nutshell, it’s when a person exceedingly bends over backward to please others, tolerate mistreatment and abuse, and avoids disagreements for fear of losing support or approval. Some experts point to authoritarian or overprotective parenting styles among the possible causes. If you recognize these symptoms in yourself, I recommend you consider seeking professional help. I understand in countries such as the Philippines, there’s a stigma attached to it. So, people generally do not seek treatment for a disorder. Only when problems arise. But guess what? Things are changing. Some companies are really stepping up with inclusive mental health programs. Check out your HMO benefits. They might offer this as part of the package.
Hey, hope you’re not among those who’d willingly respond to emails of a Nigerian prince asking for your bank info. Seriously, you’re asking the right question. It shows you want for things to be better. And this is a powerful motivator to follow through, to grow more into someone who means what he says and says what he means. Kudos! I used to be overly optimistic as a child too. Until life happens. I still believe our world needs more kind people like you. Just make sure it’s because you’re genuinely nice. Not just plainly naïve. Not good for your career, especially if you’re taking the leadership path. You’re definitely on the right track in taking control of your narrative. You have every right to say no. Be wise, not just nice. At the end of the day, no one can take advantage of you unless you allow it.