E: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m in a three-year relationship with a beauty queen. She’s in Manila. It’s her dream to represent and win a major crown for the country. I love her so much that I settled in the background. She’d respond to my messages only when her schedule allows. She’d say she’s busy and there’s truth to that. But I’m sure she’s got downtimes, too. Most of our interactions were initiated by me. She says she loves me but I’m not convinced the longer this pattern continues. Am I just standing in the way of her dream or am I a partner in life who can help her make her dream come true? I’m tired. It’s a total drag to feel like I’m taken for granted. And I’m tired of being tired.
DJ: It’s a situation that’s a jump-off point for some introspection. There’s a significant drop in effort exerted. I hope you’re not being treated like a software update. Every time she sees your messages, she wants to click “not now.” A loved one doesn’t need to touch base every five minutes. Just enough frequency to let you know she’s thinking of you. Being regularly seen zoned or being ignored even when online without justification is an indication of being taken for granted. I won’t expound but I did figure in a love story with a celebrity not too long ago. Quite intense. The type I thought I’d only see in movies. Still, what we had was not enough for her to keep fighting. I did. But it takes two people to sustain a relationship. The truth hurts. But looking at it straight to the eye eventually set me free. Your situation is different but feelings of being unloved do strike a familiar chord.
There’s often an assumption in long-term relationships that if things have been fine, they’ll stay like this—no need to try to make things work. This is among the major reasons why family, unfortunately, takes the back seat when a new love comes. It should not have been the case but it’s because family is like a constant. A love relationship needs work. But when it becomes stable, it can also slip down the priorities list—falling behind work or other life goals or problems. The danger is this can make both of you drift further and further apart.
I’m not saying that you should elbow your way into every aspect of what she does. But it’s nice to be kept updated with their life. It’s possible there are issues too in the relationship. Were there conflicts that have never really been resolved? Time does not heal all wounds. Deep wounds fester over time when left unattended. Because she’s pursuing dreams in Manila while you’re here in Cebu, are you falling out of sync? Do you now have little in common or you now want different things out of life? On the flip side, are you only making assumptions about her or about the relationship without checking in first? It’s rare that problems in a relationship are entirely down to one person. Even if it feels like this. Being able to acknowledge any areas you might be able to work on will also help her feel less defensive.
We know if one door closes, another door opens. But you can also open the closed door. That’s how doors work, right? Talk about it. Be honest about your feelings. Just make sure you aren’t only venting. You are discussing matters for the good of both of you. Sure, it can provoke negative emotions. But it’s an essential step if you both want to find your way back to how things used to be. Moving forward, you can also agree on including a few minutes a week to simply reconnect and see how each other is doing. It can make a real difference. You can sort things out if necessary. You can also use the time to enjoy each other’s company the way you had at the start of the relationship. Rekindle what it is you like about each other.
You’re partners, right? You can’t be the reason why she smiles and she’s the reason why you drink. Love does not demand. That’s why it should not be taken for granted.