@BRIDEINDISGUISE: Hi, Singlestalk. I have a sense my boyfriend is gay. Why? We’ve been going out for two years now. But it still feels like he’s keeping me at arm’s length. He’d tell me that a relationship isn’t just about sex. But don’t you think it’s strange for things to fizzle out before it even picks up? He’s always on his laptop. Secretive. At times, even withdrawn. Two weeks ago, I spied on his browsing history. Okay, this is not okay. Can you blame me? I found traces of him watching gay porn. The thing is he proposed to me last night. I said yes. I’m not getting any younger. He wants me to be his June bride. Will I be walking the aisle with another blushing bride? Any hacks to share to determine whether he swings the other way?
DJ: You probably thought it takes one to know one, right? Sounds like a test. Seriously, Google says sexuality is highly complex. I asked a couple of so-called experts with “gaydars,” too. The majority admitted it’s still unwise to put people in a box. That’s stereotyping. You can’t know for sure unless he tells you. The “gaydar” is fake news. Oops, there goes the wet blanket. Each person is unique. We can never tell. Besides, it isn’t nice to yank people out of the closet. But yeah, you’re investing not just in a relationship but in a life. So, I worked on this during the holiday. A lot more effort than what I’m paid for this column. Cough. Here’s more that I found.
When you say there are traces of him watching gay porn, is it just a one-off thing? Regularity differentiates this from just curiosity. Unlike a previous gay encounter which is a red flag, being a neat freak, having little to no appetite in sports or stretching his every word are not. A person is a lot more than what meets the eye. Not all gay people are stylish and not all straight guys wear rubbish. I read that a Northwestern University psychology professor, Michael Bailey, spent years studying human sexuality and found out that most male dancers at the Pennsylvania Ballet are straight. Contrary to popular belief. Look for subtle nuances instead.
Not going bananas in bed? Guys aren’t always horny though. Heads up. For countless reasons—work stress, body insecurity, a problem that’s driving him crazy, falling on someone else. Can be religious beliefs, too. Who knows? Now, if there’s this guy he frequently and exclusively hangs out with, do you feel like a third wheel whenever he’s around? Do you get this sense that you walked in on something when you barged in their conversation? On the flip side, do you know anyone in particular that he’s close to? You’re not dating a five-year-old kid, right. That’s illegal. If he’s in his 30s, for example, there might be a deeper reason why he isn’t introducing you to his friends. Do they know something which he doesn’t want you to know? Search for clues based on what he hides from you.
Is he homophobic? How about his family? Certain closeted people act this way to draw suspicion away. Pots calling a kettle black. Does he get snappy when you talk about homosexuality? Is he uncomfortable around gay men, makes homophobic comments or avoids anything remotely gay? Is he in a string of dating relationships with women? Another surprise entry. It can be an attempt to turn himself straight. But pretending zaps anyone’s energy. Thus, the need to breathe and change partners every so often. In the Philippines, not much violence is directed towards the LGBTQ+ community. But the jokes about them can be cruel. Plus, the stigma that diabolized gay men. That explains why they wrestle with their identity.
Get to the bottom of this. Be on top of the situation. Before getting married. Don’t ignore your gut. It may not always be right, but can be. Particularly if you’re seeing more holes than the Swiss cheese you ate on engagement night. Overall, guys who are secure about themselves don’t care about what other people think. Being defensive is a way of deflecting something. Real men wear pink so to speak. While there are marked differences between gays and straights, there are lots of similarities too. Your boyfriend is as human as you and everyone else. The best thing to do is to ask. And be prepared for his answer. Then what?