G: Hi, Singlestalk. I’m in a six-year dating relationship. We both have stable jobs. Would have been a good time to propose and make this permanent. It’s just that three years ago I met this woman at an annual industry conference. We hit it off really well and we became good friends. She’s not conventionally beautiful. But there’s something about her that inspires a better me. I’m in love with her. All these years. Hardworking, engaging and simple in her ways. I follow her on social media. We communicate through Messenger and meet every once in while in online meetings we both participate in and in conventions. She’s been inside my mind for years now and it bothers me especially that family and friends are asking when I am going to get married.
DJ: It’s not unusual for people to find other people attractive. And they aren’t their partner. To go through something borrowed-ish is never easy, more so while you’re in a relationship. Nothing is certain whether it’s going to work. And because this new one is even across the miles, you don’t want to end a long-term relationship in favor of another. But it’s also possible that your feelings for her are trying to tell you something. So, what do you do?
It’s possible that you’re just having a crush. Ask yourself a couple of hard questions. Do you believe your partner is no longer the best match for you? You’re not yet married and this is a good time to discern who she is and what she means to you. You don’t end things with her just because you met someone interesting. You only end it when you’re convinced she’s not the best one for you.
Do you still want to be in the relationship regardless of the new person? Are there deal breakers aside from the fact that you met someone in a conference? Not all attractions are meant to be acted upon. You may have been just playing up with her good qualities and are probably comparing them to the qualities of your current partner. Are there needs, not just wants, that are unmet? Why are you staying in touch with this new lady? Do you share details of your life? Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable? When you said she inspires a better you, did you mean you value her opinion? You only want to do these with someone who has your heart.
Yes, it’s possible that you are not satisfied with the relationship. That’s why you opened your heart for someone who can turn even a frown upside down. Was there something that changed in the relationship? Is it just temporary? A new job for example. Why would you even risk losing what you have?
It’s been six years. Is this just part of the ebb and flow of connection and disconnection that often takes place in long term relationships? If you think your girlfriend is the best person for you, you know what to do. Avoid further complications. Now if it’s the relationship that’s not working, it’s not fair to keep her waiting. I suggest you have a kind, caring and truthful discussion with her. Should you tell her about this lady? My thoughts? Not necessarily. You only break up with someone because there are essential gaps in the relationship. Not because someone came along. Stick to the narrative and keep the conversation focused on what the real issue is. If something was already off, her intuition may have already told her beforehand. What you will say is just a confirmation.
If this new one is just a thought, it would have passed. But if it lingered for three years, it’s likely to manifest into something else. Pray. Think things over. Talk about them with someone you trust. Then take it from there. Part of being a mature adult is seeing a relationship from an objective POV.