@MAGNETO: My recent promotion as a manager is an answered prayer. All the hard work finally paid off. It took years to get me here. My dilemma is I was secretly dating one of my peers back then. He’s now my subordinate. It’s a same-sex relationship. We’re still both in the closet and are successful in keeping what we have private. It’s been eight months. Not even our respective families know something is going on beyond friendship. We’re both okay with the setup. We don’t want to turn this into a workplace sitcom. This is our first relationship of this nature. There’s too much going on particularly on how we are accepting ourselves as gay. However, this setup is a clear violation of our code of conduct. It can jeopardize our career if people will find out. How can we solve this situation?
DJ: This isn’t your typical office romance. It’s an undercover operation. Seriously, there are a lot of moving parts in this story that I honestly find it difficult to give sound advice. But it’s a pressing matter so I’ll give it my best shot. Are you comfortable talking to close friends or relatives about what you are going through? Looks like you’re dealing with a lot. Coming to terms with your own gender identity, managing a relationship in the shadows, juggling a new managerial role plus the stress of keeping things away from prying eyes in the minefield of office politics. Dude, you’re like spinning plates at a circus with higher stakes and fewer sequins. It helps if you’re connected to the right people.
Getting help with major issues is one of the most important things you can do. If you’re walking on a tightrope, they are your safety net. Why are you keeping it from your family? Why not start with someone you’re closest to or that person who is accepting or supportive? Use whatever method works for you—a call, a message but better if face-to-face. This way, you can tap more trusted people to be in your corner. Take your time. Do it only when you are ready. Consider talking to a therapist too. It helps, more so if he or she has previous work with LGBTQIA+ spectrum. It’s more advantageous when you go through this journey with someone who cares about you other than your partner.
How open is your company about diversity, equality and inclusion? If your company is an ally, consider seeking guidance from a trusted HR leader or your superior. They’ll understand why you kept the relationship secret and it was not your intention to violate the code of conduct. They can also help you explore possible options to remedy the situation. Now if you suspect your company has a homophobic culture, this adds a layer of complexity. Consider factors like culture, past incidents or indicators of discrimination or intolerance. These are data points to help you decide whether it’s a good move to disclose your identity and your relationship or not.
You and your partner will have to talk about your career options. Breaking the code of conduct is a no-no. Align your perspectives and decide how you both want to handle the situation together. Evaluate role changes or transfers. Since you’re just recently promoted, is it possible that he transfers to a different department or position? Even to another organization. The goal is to eliminate the hierarchical relationship. You’re able to keep your relationship private while adhering to the company’s policy.
Navigating a same-sex relationship given your professional setup can be complex. You got your well-deserved promotion. Then love and the code of ethics walked into the party. Prioritize your well-being. And hopefully, you can soon seek guidance from someone you trust who can walk the path with you and your partner. A lot of companies these days are safe spaces for those in the spectrum. Every situation is unique. The best course of action will depend on your specific circumstances. Opening up even on this venue is already a good move. I pray this is not the end but just a beginning.