Michelle: Heidi emailed and asked if men want to wait on marriage. She read our article about red flags a few weeks ago. She’s been in two long-term relationships in which she had to propose to these guys for them to say, “I do.” Well, she is single today. Is it true that men just want kids, houses and sex? And if they want women, not necessarily as wife material. Not until they’re older. I recently read a study to probe the minds of America’s young men, aged 25 to 33. The study found the top reasons men won’t commit — from the ease of finding sex partners to the desire to avoid financial risks of divorce. What can you say about this, Deej?
DJ: Perhaps these guys heard too much about the story of this dude who came down with a flu. He had to be sent home as part of an in-office precaution. He welcomed the break from work. His wife was also so thrilled about this unexpected development that when the delivery guy arrived at three in the afternoon, she yelled on top of her lungs saying, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!” Seriously, though, I’m not a big fan of putting people in a box, guys included. And I appreciate those who are not caught up with stereotypes whether it’s gender, age, color, shape, size or group but see a person as an individual. Finances, life experiences, family, career are the usual reasons people prefer to stay unattached. What I don’t agree with is for a person to be in a relationship even if he or she doesn’t see any future to take it long-term. Why cook for dinner if you’ve decided to eat out? Why build a house if you don’t plan to live in it? Anyone — a guy or a lady — who is ready and willing to get married will commit. Otherwise, he or she will not think marriage will complete him or her. He or she will just be finished!
M: Here are supposedly the top reasons men won’t commit. (1) Men can get sex without marriage. (2) Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying. Men think living together is a good way to test out a marriage prospect. (3) Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises. The men savor their freedom to enjoy hobbies, late nights out and freedom from extra financial burdens.
DJ: As mentioned a few weeks ago, I think a relationship is a lot more like economics in real life. There is supply and there is a demand. Drama unfolds when there’s too much or too little of the supply or the demand. There’s an imbalance. That’s why bending over backward too much is never advisable. Have you heard about the sunk cost fallacy? Just because one has invested a lot doesn’t mean one will have to carry on even if the joint venture is bleeding no end. Cut the losses. This line from a local movie also makes a lot of sense — why should a person pay if you’re like a carinderia that’s open for everyone who wants to eat for free? There are exceptions, of course, but it’s human nature to test boundaries and to highly value what isn’t always available at every beck or call. If all of the investment required will have to come from just one person, why make it a partnership instead of a sole proprietorship? And if the cost to keep it is way too high compared to the return, any discerning person won’t even ask to seal the deal for good, right?
M: There also are men who are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn’t yet appeared. But there are also men who just want to enjoy a single life as long as they can. Men, as the study presented, fear losing their solitary pleasures by marrying. And they become accustomed to their own space and routines. They enjoy the freedom of not having to be responsible to anyone else. And personally, I find some of the reasons quite selfish.
DJ: I’m sure we’ve heard about the advice to walk away from someone who does not value us as we deserve or from something that’s no longer serving us right. Of course, an authentic dialogue between two adults has to take place first. Walking away can result in two possibilities — do what it takes to keep the relationship because indeed it is true love or finally wake up to the reality that the relationship has met its true end.