M: MAE is engaged to Rannie. What’s bothering her is he doesn’t want to have kids. Is this something that Mae should worry about? No and Yes. If it’s because Rannie doesn’t want to pass on a genetically acquired disease, then it should not bother her. Now if it’s just because he simply doesn’t want to, this is already a complex situation they need to discuss and decide on before they’ll get married.
DJ: Mae’s situation is not as simple as just giving up or walking out. It’s tricky. Assuming that she has already processed her reasons why she wants to have kids, she might need to know exactly what Rannie’s actual objections are. Is it a financial concern? Is it timing? Is he afraid of disruption? What is it and why is he feeling that way? Is this just a case of “not now” or is it “never?” He might have all the right reasons but this is a decision they both have to make. And whatever it is, it’s best that it resonates and feels right not only for him but for her too.
M: She should ask him his reasons for not wanting any children. Maybe he has fears that she does not know about. If it has something to do with a medical history that family members share and which he does not want their future child or children to suffer, it will be well to discuss this so Mae understands where Rannie is coming from. I know a couple where the woman wants to have children but the man is not keen on having some because of their family history of kidney disease. The man has a kidney problem and so with his sisters and now his nephews and nieces. He fears that their child might have the same disease from which his family members suffer.
DJ: Well if she’s seeking for a magic word regarding this topic to thrill her to bits, it’s likely that she needs something concrete to chew on. Can she give up the relationship for kids or give up having kids for the relationship? Because while he can take his sweet time thinking about it, Mae’s biological clock is ticking. So after giving it some thought, this might be a good time to have a dialogue and understand each other’s hopes, needs and dreams in life. Then take it from there. Besides, one marries a person for everything that he or she is, not for who one hopes he or she will be. Doing so prevents a close encounter with a cold bowl of reality soup.
M: Having children is a blessing. It is also a privilege that is not enjoyed by some and some because it is their personal choice. What is important is for the couple to talk about this because while it is essential for one, it might just be a preference of another. Issues that are not threshed out might become sources of conflict in the future. While Mae and Rannie are already engaged, it will be well for them to take this time to seriously discuss this matter of having children. If and when they do get married, at least they are better prepared to deal with the challenges that married life brings on. Whether they have children or not.
DJ: Couples make a lot of compromises to make a relationship work. It’s best for both Mae and Rannie to be in this together. If she’s hell-bent on having kids while he is not going to come along for the ride, she will then eventually have to make a choice and be ready for its consequence. Not thinking things through, not being truthful to one’s real thoughts and feelings result in resentment that grows and in time can even poison their relationship. Honesty and truthfulness, to one’s self and to another, is still the best policy. Everyone deserves to be happy.