Many daughters were raised to be modest. And what does modesty mean? It means to not call attention to ourselves. It means to tone down our voices, our laughter, our fashion choices. It means to stay silent, subdued, submissive.
It means to fly under the radar.
There but not visible.
It means being humble and refusing to take credit for what we do. It means being unobtrusive because taking the limelight is vain, pompous and indiscreet. It means revealing neither skin nor shape for doing so shows conceit, impropriety, sin.
Many daughters were raised to be invisible.
Why do they want us around when they need us but show us the way when they no longer do? Do they value our presence or do they recognize our convenience?
Why are we sneered, shamed and shunned when we dare step into the spotlight?
We are told not to ask the hard questions. We are told to speak only when we are spoken to. We are asked to keep our opinions to ourselves. We are told that if we speak our minds, we risk expulsion, rejection, social suicide.
Don’t be difficult. Be agreeable.
The ideal woman is silent, submissive and supportive with a bottomless pit of patience. This is the lie we’ve been told since childhood. So, young girls grow up thinking that in order to be liked, loved and not left on the shelf, they need to fit into this mold.
Because damsels in distress seem infinitely more attractive than dragons who breathe fire and slay demons for breakfast.
Truth be told, dragons don’t have it easy but between dragons and doormats, please don’t raise your daughters to be doormats.
Don’t raise your daughters to say “yes” when they want to say “no.” Don’t raise them to think they need to please everyone else except themselves. Don’t raise them to think it is acceptable for others to walk all over them.
Don’t raise your daughters to tolerate or accept disrespect. Raise them with skills and tools to defend themselves against emotional, physical and financial abuse. Raise your daughters to be strong, capable and independent.
Too loud. Too smart. Too difficult. She asks too many questions. She raises too many objections. She just has too many opinions. Let’s make her unattractive. Let’s call her undesirable. Let’s label her unhinged.
Why do men object to women stepping out with bare backs, short skirts, big smiles, raucous laughter, hard questions and loud opinions?
A friend with a super brain dated a guy in her class. Every time she got higher test scores, he would sulk. After they broke up, she told me she was relieved. She was just so tired of making herself small, low-achieving and unremarkable just so he could shine.
If the man standing beside you needs you to dim your light because it’s shining in his eyes, you should stand somewhere else. Alone. Or beside someone who wants you to shine brighter. Or beside someone who is unafraid to stand in your shadow.
But do not ever stand in the shadow of someone who cannot bear to stand in yours.
Why are women chastised for speaking up or standing out? Is it because in their presence, the light can be blinding? Why can’t men understand that genius and generosity can exist on the same plane?
While megalomania is not our goal, modesty is highly overrated. It is false modesty, after all, when women are obligated to blend with the blinds.
Don’t raise your daughters to be doormats. Raise them to be dragons — fierce, confident, intrepid. Raise lifelong warriors who are unafraid to breathe fire and step into the light.