In societies influenced by Confucian values, it is the norm for children to take care of elderly parents and serve them throughout their lives.
Growing up, children know this. It is expected. It is a duty that has been drummed into their heads all their lives. And so, they accept it without question. But filial piety in Filipino society can turn toxic.
Some parents take advantage of this cultural norm by practically enslaving their children—demanding that they hand over their paychecks or at least a majority of it the moment they enter the workforce.
Is it gratitude or is it servitude that these parents seek and demand from their children?
So many young employees become demotivated knowing they will only enjoy a fraction of their earnings. They feel deprived of the extrinsic rewards of their efforts. And in some cases, they feel the need to marry early.
You see, the moment they marry, they become free—free from the burden of financially supporting their families. Their parents no longer expect them to contribute to the family finances. The financial burden of the family now rests upon the unmarried children.
But it is not right for parents to pass on the financial responsibilities of the family to their children because the decision to have children is theirs not their children’s. Children have no choice in the circumstances of their birth. They didn’t, in fact, have a choice in being born.
It is the duty of those who bring children into the world to provide for them.
And while it is not wrong to help one another in a family, the best way for members of a family to help one another is for each member to work towards financial independence and self-reliance.
When parents age or when circumstances change like they become ill or incapacitated and are no longer able to earn an income, adult children should come together and provide for the needs of the family.
But when parents are young, healthy and able to find work, there is no reason why they should abdicate from their responsibilities and compel their children in the call for filial piety to undertake the financial responsibilities of the family.
It is one thing for children to voluntarily support their parents and siblings because they are able to and are happy to do it and another for parents to obligate their children to support the needs of the entire family.
Your children don’t owe you. But if you have raised them well, in your time of need, they will step up and provide for you. When you don’t ask your children to pay you back, they will give back to you. You won’t have to ask.
I, too, grew up with the value of filial piety. My parents made no demands on me. They didn’t obligate me to take care of them. They didn’t stop me from leaving home. Instead, they loved me, understood me, let me be.
My mother lived to be 89, my father, 99. And I can truly say it’s been the greatest honor of my life to have been able to serve them till the end.