Battling hunger, humiliation and hardship growing up, Jaynard Tiangco Ronquillo said to his parents, more than once, “I wish you had not given birth to me.”
His graduation post from 2023 after graduating with a Chemical Engineering degree from the University of the Philippines Los Baños was not meant to hurt his hard-working but eternally-in-debt parents. It was meant to wake us up to the reality that parenthood should not be taken lightly because the pain and suffering of children are valid.
I, once, explained our culture to a foreigner some 25 years ago.
In my country, if you’re married, you’re expected to have children. It’s not socially acceptable in our culture to choose not to have children. So, if you don’t have any, it’s assumed it’s because you can’t have any.
A few, brave souls openly choose not to have children but for the great majority, it’s not a choice, it’s a life expectation, if not, a requirement. Children are a necessary part of marriage. To not have children is a tragedy.
I still remember the shock in her face. We went on to become lifelong friends even as we parted ways.
Today, millennials and zoomers are making bold choices. Though causing havoc with their parents who are dismayed by the prospect of having fewer grandchildren or none, I fully support them.
I’m not anti-child. I’m just pro-choice.
Parenthood should be a choice, not a requirement. Parenthood should be a decision, not a consequence.
I always wanted children. Today, however, I’m glad I don’t have any. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I would not have wanted to ruin anyone’s life with my learning curve. Thankfully, that ship has sailed. I’ve done my part to make this a better world.
We, often, think about the joy a child brings to our lives. Do we ever think about our capacity to bring joy to that child’s life? Is the possibility of a richer, fuller and happier life enough reason to procreate? Or is our capacity to commit, love, support, bring joy and meaning to another life, the most enduring legacy we could ever create?
Hardship. Humiliation. Hurt. Jaynard survived it all. And still, he says to us, “Don’t let your child be like me.”
Children can’t choose their parents. But parents can choose to be the kind of parents all children should have—prepared, capable and committed to providing them love, comfort and support—in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad.
A child is not an accessory. A child is a lifelong responsibility. The choice to become a parent should not be taken lightly.
Fiscal responsibility is essential but financial wealth does not a good parent make.
You can have money but if you don’t have the desire or will to make room for a child in your life or don’t have the capacity to love anyone except yourself, you shouldn’t have children. It takes conscious effort and intentional behavior to change. If you’re incapable or unwilling to change, then, don’t be a parent.
Don’t bring a life into this world if you can only bring that life, immeasurable pain, hardship and suffering.
Some people, today, choose not to have children because they don’t want any. Or because they feel they cannot get themselves into a stable mental and emotional state. I find this to be a very brave, honest and responsible choice.
It’s important to be self-aware — to know who you are and to know who you can never be. It’s essential to understand that you need to be healthy and well in order to be able to take care of someone else.
So, live your life as you feel you must. Don’t pretend to be who you’re not. Don’t be a parent for progeny’s sake. Don’t have a child because you want joy and meaning in your life. Have a child because you want to bring joy and meaning to another life.