After writing this column for 25 years, I can say I’ve shared a lot of myself with my readers. But there remain chapters of my life I’ve chosen not to share because they are too painful to recount and remember.
It’s taken me a very long time to realize that how I’ve lived most of my life is emblematic of trauma survival.
I have trust issues because I’ve been repeatedly lied to by people I thought I could trust. I overthink because I want to anticipate possible problems and control the outcome. I overwork because I want to be occupied with the present so I can forget the past.
Yes, it’s more than just anxiety, sleeplessness, obsessive-compulsive disorder. It’s trauma survival.
I’ve found the courage to admit that I’m a trauma survivor but I’m not ready to talk about all the trauma I’ve experienced except perhaps one which is gaslighting. The rest, I will probably carry to my grave.
Gaslighting is one of the worst forms of psychological abuse.
It’s when someone repeatedly lies to you with the intention of distorting reality. It’s when someone attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in your mind so you’ll constantly second-guess yourself and wonder if you imagined it all along.
Did it actually happen? Did I hear it wrong? Did I forget? After a while, you’ll begin to question your judgement, your intuition, your memory, your sanity.
It’s when a person insists on an alternate reality in an attempt to control, manipulate, deride or discredit you. It’s passive-aggressive behavior designed to slowly destroy you.
The abuser will appear to agree with you today but turn around and attack you tomorrow. The abuser will say one thing today but say another thing on another day. It will always be your fault, never the abuser’s.
“I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” “You’re confusing me.” “I don’t understand what you mean.”
These are common statements abusers say.
They’re experts at changing their sentences midway—to refute you, to attack you, to lay blame on you.
And the worst possible response anyone could give a trauma victim is doubt and disbelief. Why do victims take years to talk about their abuse? Most times, the first time they confided the abuse to someone, they were disbelieved and their trauma dismissed.
I write despite my misgivings because I want victims of trauma to know that they can survive it. The road to healing is long. You will go through dark and difficult days. But with God’s grace, you will see the light. So, hold on to the faith.
Sometimes, all it takes for a trauma victim to survive is just one person who believes in the truth of the trauma she has experienced. Be that person. Sometimes, it takes just one statement to save a life.
“I believe you.” This statement from just one person saved my life.
Do not underestimate the power of faith.