@SARI: I grew up being told to be good, obedient, polite and I really did. But now that I’m in the professional world, it feels like those same traits made me invisible. I shrink in meetings because I don’t want to offend. I tone down my opinions because I don’t want to sound too much. And when someone interrupts me, I just smile and say it’s okay. But deep down, it’s not okay. Is this a Filipino thing? How do I unlearn something that’s been drilled into me since childhood? I’m afraid that if I don’t learn to stand taller soon, the leaders will keep mistaking my politeness for weakness.
DJ: I used to be sorry too for asking questions, for making a point, even when it’s someone’s fault. Sorry for telling you these. But seriously, Filipinos are known for being polite, a trait that’s valuable in multicultural teams. But that same humility can sometimes turn into hesitation.
Colonial history does have a deep psychological imprint on many of us. For over 300 years under Spanish rule, we were taught obedience to authority. Not participating in it. Expressions of humility, apology and deference became survival tools.
When the Americans came, good manners and right conduct were equated to soft tones and politeness. We learned that being pleasant was not only good but was professional. We’d say stuff like “Sorry for bothering you,” “I hope you don’t mind,” “Just my humble opinion.” We mastered diplomacy at the expense of directness.
Then came the Japanese where survival meant reading the room. We followed orders precisely and without question. Emotional expression could be dangerous, thus deepening our avoidance of confrontation and prioritizing social harmony.
Don’t apologize if you want to ask me this: why are we “bongangera” in the streets, yet overly polite in professional settings? Well in the kanto, the hierarchy is flat. Everyone’s equal and volume means visibility. But in the office, titles and positions remind us of power distance. And so we switch back to restraint.
But here’s the thing — apologies are meant for mistakes, not for existence. And sorry if I have to ask you to tell that to yourself a million times until it sticks because that’s how mindsets shift. In a global setting, constant apologizing can unintentionally signal uncertainty. The good news? You’re already aware of it. And awareness is half the battle — it makes change not only possible, but doable.
If you’ve made a mistake, own it. Then provide context and a plan. Instead of saying you missed something for example, you can say you missed that detail, and you will dive deeper into it and provide an update. This still shows accountability while demonstrating action which is valued a lot in the workplace.
Respect also does not equate to being quiet. You can acknowledge a colleague’s point before offering a suggestion. You can say, “That’s interesting. Here’s what I’ve observed based on the data.” You’re still open about someone’s thoughts but confident to express your views as well. These are qualities that translate well across cultures.
It took me a long time to balance professionalism with authenticity. Still a work in progress. But now I’m more aware that I don’t need to unlearn kindness. Just the reflex to apologize for it. I also don’t need to be loud. Only clearer.
In every global organization, respect isn’t about rank or accent. It’s about presence. And you deserve to take up space in it. Sorry, but not sorry.