@Sobrina: I’m the eldest in the family, the first to finish college, and the one my siblings now look up to. For years, I’ve taken pride in sending them to school. I told myself it’s my way of giving back for all the sacrifices my parents made. But the truth is, I am tired. I’ve been eyeing a graduate program that could open doors for my career. It’s expensive, yes, but it could help me earn more and grow in my field. Still, each time I’m ready to enroll, someone in the family needs something urgent. Tuition. Rent. Medicine. I give what I can, even when it means putting my plans on hold. I fear my family is getting used to the idea that “Ate will handle it.” How do I honor my family without losing myself? How do I pursue my dreams without feeling selfish?
DJ: You’ve carried your family’s dreams on your shoulders for so long that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to stand just for yourself. And that’s what happens when love and duty blur.
But love is not measured by sacrifice alone. It’s also measured by the courage to grow. Because growth is how love matures. I know it feels selfish to think of yourself. But what happens if you keep postponing your dreams until everyone else is fine? What if “fine” never comes? What if by the time you’re ready, your energy, your spark, your sense of wonder have all been spent on everyone else’s tomorrow?
I suggest you create two budgets, one for family and one for your future. Separate what’s for family support and what’s for your personal growth. Even if your future fund starts small, keep it consistent. The amount matters less than the discipline. It’s not selfish to set boundaries. It’s strategy.
You can tell your family that you’re setting aside money for grad school because you want to earn more and be able to help in a bigger way later. But if you’ll give something now, you’ll never get there. This helps them see your goal is part of helping them. Not abandoning them.
Avoid dipping into your savings for growth or education unless it’s a true life-or-death situation. Otherwise, your dreams will always take the back seat. Protect that line. Saying “I’ll help with what I can” is not the same as saying “I don’t care.” You are still a good daughter, even when your wallet says no.
Ask your siblings how you can split the expenses. Who can handle the medicine run for example? Can someone else check if a local charity or a government agency can help with this prescription? Can someone get a scholarship? Can they take on a part-time gig or a small side hustle? Your education, savings, or rest today are what keep you from being another family member who needs rescuing tomorrow.
Your family may have assumed you’re fine because you’ve always managed. Be transparent about your limits. Emergencies will always happen. That’s just life. But if every crisis ends with you handling it single-handedly, the cycle continues, and everyone stays dependent. Create a family that knows how to stand together. Not just lean on one person.
Family responsibility is shared, not assigned. It’s okay to keep helping. But set boundaries. Not out of selfishness, but sustainability. Help should not come at the cost of your health, your growth, or your peace. Sometimes, training them not to depend entirely on you and showing them how to stand on their own is another way of loving them better.
The goal is not to be their lifelong provider, but to be the bridge toward their own independence. The one who is showing them what’s possible. And part of that is stepping back so they can rise too. Love doesn’t fade when you set limits. It simply learns to grow wiser.