@KIMMY: Growing up as the middle child in a family of high achievers, I often felt overshadowed by my siblings’ academic success. While they consistently topped their batches, I could only manage to graduate cum laude. Adding to the pressure were our parents, who were generous with their criticism. Despite winning a collegiate pageant, I struggled with deep-seated insecurities. The yardstick for validation was always academic achievements. I feel like I’m never enough. I constantly question my worth. I even wonder why my boyfriend chose me over prettier and smarter girls. Sorry for venting, but I hope you can share your perspective about my situation. How can I get past the rut I am in?
DJ: A psychology pioneer named Alfred Adler introduced the idea that birth order affects the development of a child. If one is neither the oldest nor the youngest, he or she gets less attention from the parents. There’s that feeling of being caught in the middle. That’s why each child should be looked at as an individual.
I recall a story of a guy. His girlfriend checked his coat and found no stray hairs. She then inquired, “Who’s the bald chick?” Seriously, harsh criticism can also cause a child’s confidence to take a nosedive, especially if it comes from a parent. As kids, we didn’t have the perspective to brush off criticism like adults do. We take it to heart, internalizing those words. They stick with us, leaving deep emotional scars. That self-doubt? Yeah, the criticisms may have lingered well into adulthood, messing with your head and making you seek external validation.
Why not team up with a professional who can help you unpack and sort through your thoughts? Nowadays, seeking professional help is increasingly normalized, and society is becoming more supportive of mental health initiatives. I’ll PM you with the details of some experts. I’ve personally benefited from professional guidance during difficult times in the past, and it made a significant difference in my life. You’re a strong woman for deciding to move forward. And if you recall, Mulan had her trusty dragon companion, Mushu.
Here are some alternative suggestions to consider for now. First, challenge your negative thoughts. Take a moment to listen closely to your inner dialogue. You might notice echoes of your critics’ voices there. We all make mistakes, so if you make one, it doesn’t mean you’re not capable enough. It’s been said that our negative thoughts often stray far from reality, blown out of proportion by our minds. Take, for example, your doubts about why your boyfriend chose you. You’re intelligent and beautiful—a beauty queen who graduated with honors. Try talking to yourself as a third party, like a friend, and put these negative thoughts in perspective.
Second, prioritize recognizing your strengths, talents and accomplishments without getting caught up in the comparison game. We’re all works in progress, with our own unique blend of strengths and weaknesses. You’re doing yourself a huge disservice if you succumb to the common tendency of comparing your weaknesses to someone else’s strengths. You don’t measure someone’s banana against your papaya. You know what I mean? Set your own goals, work on them, and measure your success solely with respect to these goals, not with someone else’s achievements.
Third, surround yourself with friends and colleagues who not only see your strengths but also cheer you on. When you’re struggling with insecurities—and we all do at some point—they can be your sounding board and motivators, reminding you how wonderful you are. Set up more coffee dates and get-togethers with them. Seeing yourself through the eyes of those who care about you will help you appreciate your own special qualities.
There will still be moments when you fumble. It’s part of life. Strengthening your self-esteem is akin to toning your muscles. It’s not a quick fix but rather a gradual process. So, keep moving forward, one step at a time. You possess both beauty and brains. You know that greatness awaits those who persist.