Moises: Breaking up, bouncing back
@MANLY: I’ve been dating a coworker for nearly a year now. To be honest, I realized a few months into the relationship that things weren’t really clicking between us. I enjoy outdoor activities and sports, while she’s into derma treatments and avoids the sun at all costs. I value financial security and save for the future, while she’s more spontaneous and tends to spend impulsively. I prefer to take things slow while we’re getting to know each other, but she wants to start a family early and be a housewife. These differences might be why our conversations often revolve around mundane topics instead of exploring deeper subjects like dreams, interests or aspirations. Despite feeling this way, I’ve continued the relationship because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Recently, a new colleague joined the company. Someone I know from way back. We were both leaders in the same college organization, and I have strong feelings for her. I’d like to explore the possibility of us being together, but the only complication is that I’m currently dating someone.
DJ: I assume you’ve done your own self-reflection and figured out where you stand in your relationship. If you’re unhappy, it’s time to be upfront and honest. Express your feelings without playing the blame game. Skip the overused “it’s not you, it’s me” line. What I’m saying is to use “I” rather than “you,” so the focus is on your experience, not because something is wrong with her. See the difference?
What if she asks if there’s someone else? Choosing whether to admit it or not is a decision you can make depending on your relationship’s context. You can dodge the question, like Neo, by saying you’re still figuring things out. Ending the relationship will give you the space to think about the next move. Honesty can also be your best bet. The question may come up because of specific suspicions or observations. You’re all in the same company. Things can get messy, like a toddler with spaghetti, if the truth comes out later. My opinion? It’s better to be truthful. Addressing it directly shows respect for your girlfriend. How she will interpret it is up to her. Transparency is important before moving on to a possible new relationship.
For sure, you know that it’s better to have this chat outside of work where you can both be real. She will also have the space to express her feelings. Understand that your partner might be hurt or angry. She can take the news like a plot twist in “Game of Thrones.” Listen and allow her to process the information. You’re breaking up. It will still hurt. There’s no other way. So, have compassion, but be clear. No cliffhangers. This is not an unfinished Netflix series.
End things before jumping into something new. I’m also recommending that you give yourself some time to heal. For how long? The sweet spot usually is about three months. Just my two cents. The cool down period allows you to process the end of the relationship. Think about what worked and what didn’t work, so you know what your needs are and how you can level up your relationship skills the next time around.
Keep things professional during office hours. Get to know the new colleague better in a platonic manner. Be strategic. If there’s mutual interest, don’t engage in any romantic conversations in the office. Even at the pantry while having lunch. This is a complex situation that can have negative outcomes, especially in a workplace setting. Be mindful of how these developments can impact your work environment. For now, have these personal conversations outside of work.
Life’s got good times and bad times. Like a Taylor Swift album. Still, they have one thing in common — we learn. Use this time to become a better you. Whatever comes next.