@JULIA: I hate being the goody two shoes. It placed me in a lot of disadvantages. When it comes to my love life, I’m seeing a pattern. They expect me to drop everything but they’re too busy for me. When it comes to family, I have the least attention from my parents. I take care of myself and my needs. The quickest to foot the bill, too. Even with my bosses at work. Because I am self-motivated and low maintenance, I’m getting the biggest share of the workload. Do I need to be a badass to get the care I deserve?
DJ: Have you heard about the path of least resistance? Water naturally flows downhill, and Waze recommends the fastest route between two points. Even on websites and interfaces, people tend to opt for the easiest route. What do these observations tell us? If you’re akin to a carenderia that’s always open to everyone who eats, then you’re easy. And while easy is desired, it is hardly valued. It’s not laziness. It’s human nature.
Typically, four factors determine value: Quality, rarity, appeal and condition. Value is reduced if any one of these factors is lacking. So, when something comes too easily, it diminishes its perceived value. Despite meeting all the checkboxes. Like taking the role of a martyr in every beck and call, even without being asked. Why earn it? The people around you now think that they have a right to what you have, your time, your space just because they are related to you or have known you for a long time. And they rely on you to do the most work in the relationship.
What to do about it? Be honest with yourself and your priorities. Start with saying no when you mean no. Don’t lie, make excuses, or over-explain yourself. Just simply decline. Media is telling us that society makes or breaks us. Sure, aligns with its norms and expectations. But not to the point of losing yourself. We have no control of what people think. No matter what we do or do not do. Chill. When it comes to your mental health or matters that give you peace and happiness, no one is more important than you. Put yourself first.
Now for people who drive you crazy, don’t hand them the keys. Not everyone has your best interest. I’m not saying people have ill intent. What I’m suggesting is to maintain a neutral assessment, especially in the beginning. You’ll meet awesome people. God bless their hearts. You’ll also encounter those who like you as much as they use you. Their loyalty ends where the benefit stops. You have goals and dreams. Like everyone else. Don’t keep overriding your priorities. You too have your own life’s trajectory. Yes, be nice. But use your discretion and adjust as needed. As one of my most favorite verses in the Scripture says, be humble as a dove and be wise as a serpent.
Stand up for yourself. There’s no way for others to know what you feel unless you tell them. Skip the “I’m sorry, but” part. Clearly state what’s on your mind. It may take a few tries to become comfortable so practice it. Start with sharing your point of view if you have a slight difference in opinion about a movie. Or a flavor of ice cream. The more times you do it, the easier it will be when you’re in difficult situations. Think of it as assertiveness training. Maturity is being brave to face your issues and not being a pushover just to avoid them.
For sure the frisbee got bigger and bigger before it hit you. At least you’re making a change. I’m also the “I gotchu friend.” Nothing wrong with that except that eventually, I learned that loving others is also about teaching them that a respectful relationship is a give and take. Not exactly 50/50. The goal is not to give the same level but to give everything you can give at that moment. Time to help yourself and others to be good at being a friend, workmate and family. Those we choose to surround ourselves with have an influence on our being — for better or worse.