@QIAN: “Are you giving up on us?” That was the message I sent from Ninoy Aquino International Airport as I boarded my international flight. Our relationship had always been complex, born out of a deep friendship that had subtly evolved into something more, yet was never fully acknowledged. I was in a relationship with a friend. Kind of. We have been inseparable since high school. Drama started when our career paths diverged. We attempted to bury our connection by dating other people — women — hoping to lead conventional lives. But we could not quit on each other. At least, that’s what I thought. Because after enduring years of ups and downs, the roller coaster finally came to a jolting halt when he decided to end what we had. I immediately called him as soon as I could find a signal when the plane landed. After long, painful, difficult hours on air. But I could no longer reach him. I opened IG and WhatsApp. He blocked me. It was raining that night. So were my eyes. Nobody knew we had a relationship. Sir, I am in pain and completely lost. I don’t even know why I emailed you. It’s like my heart was fried in a pan. What I know is I need help just to get me through each day. It’s hard to be in a foreign land while my heart is in a viscous, vigorously, bubbling oil.
DJ: The pain must have cut deep, sizzling and cracking with each moment. Especially when it’s someone you’ve shared so much with. Plus, you’re starting out in a foreign place too. I get you.
Given your inseparable bond since high school, your emotions have intertwined with his, forming an intricate emotional feedback loop. Have you ever heard of emotional resonance? It’s akin to your emotions remaining attuned to his. Even after his departure. It’s natural to still feel his emotions lingering within you. It’s normal to feel sad, angry or lost. Give yourself permission to experience these emotions. But focus forward. The advantage of your current situation is that with time and distance, you can break free from this emotional entanglement and start resonating at your own frequency again.
You won’t bump into common friends. And because he blocked you on social media, you can make a clean break. It’s common to be curious after the breakup or have the urge to stalk his socials. But this only makes your mind wonder, construct imaginary scenarios or fixate on who he is with based on what you see on his photos. Now, you don’t have to worry about trying to avoid his online activity. Being virtually disconnected can be more liberating than restrictive. Believe me. This allows you to live your life more freely and work through the grief of the breakup without too much complication.
Being in a foreign land makes it even more possible to start writing your own new chapter. You’re free from the need to avoid familiar spots, whether they were scenes of romance or conflict, which can only intensify your emotions. There’s a lot to do, see and experience. Meet new people, explore new territories, try new things, focus on your new work. It’s normal to have days when you’re overwhelmed by sadness. Give it some time. But remember to eventually snap out of it and go back to doing things for yourself. There are far better things ahead of you than who you are leaving behind.
There is stuff in life that we don’t get. We can’t have everything. From the toy elephant you had a tantrum over as a toddler, to not getting a perfect grade in that Rizal subject even though you studied like Jose Rizal. Life is also about learning to pick ourselves up from not getting what we want and finding a new way forward. Focus on personal growth and self-improvement. Engaging with your new environment can help distract you from your pain and create new positive experiences. It’s not the fall that defines you. It’s how you land.
Yes, your heart is fried. But trust the process. Everything happens for a reason. After some time doing all the new things in your new environment, you’ll grow up into a better you. And by then, you will come to know that reason too. All the best!