@MWCMO: I don’t even know if this is the kind of letter people send to newspaper columnists anymore, but I figured I had nothing to lose. My girlfriend left me last week. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals, that I’ll get over it, that I should just keep myself busy. Maybe they’re right. But those words don’t seem to help much when the silence gets loud at night.
What surprises me most is not the heartbreak itself. It’s how lonely it feels to go through it as a man. When a woman cries after a breakup, people gather around her. Friends check on her. They tell her it’s okay to grieve. When a man goes through the same thing, people slap him on the back and say, “You’ll find someone else.” Or worse, they joke about it.
So I smile. I laugh, even. People often say, “Men don’t cry.” DJ, how do you carry a broken heart without pretending it isn’t broken?
DJ:Like a cast. I don’t hide it. I just don’t use it as an excuse to stop living.
Dude, your heart was broken because you loved. Men do cry. You know that. We just schedule it between showers, long drives, or pretend we’re just resting our eyes. But we do.
So don’t keep it all inside. If you’ve ever tried holding in gas, you know gas eventually wins. Just ask anyone who’s ever blamed the chair. Find a person or two you trust. Not the whole soccer team. You don’t necessarily need solutions. Just someone to listen without trying to fix you. Sometimes the best therapy is simply being heard. Besides, it’s much better to let something out through your mouth than... well, the other exit.
Your brain is currently a detective working overtime. Where did I go wrong? What if I had said this? What if I hadn’t said that? At some point, your mind stops solving a mystery and starts producing a Netflix series with too many episodes. Not every ending comes with an explanation you’ll find satisfying. Sometimes the healthiest answer is simply: it ended. Healing begins when you stop asking, “Why did it end?” and start asking, “How do I move forward from here?”
Heartbreak destroys routine. Suddenly, you don’t feel like getting out of bed. You skip breakfast. Your gym membership becomes a monthly donation. So don’t wait until you feel better before living again. Live first. The feelings usually catch up later.
Wake up at the same time every day. Take a walk, even if it’s only around the block. Go to work. Cook something that doesn’t come with a seasoning packet. Water a plant. If you don’t own one, at least water yourself.
Exercise. Not because you want to look like a Marvel superhero. It’s because you want to become a Disney princess.
Joke.
Grief has a lot of energy. If you don’t burn it somewhere, it could burn you. Lift weights. Go for a run. Bike. Swim. Exercise doesn’t always change your relationship status. But it can change your mood, your sleep, your confidence and your jawline. Four out of five isn’t bad.
Don’t rush to replace her. A rebound relationship is like buying a new pair of shoes while your foot is still in a cast. You don’t need another person. You need another version of yourself.
Let me tell you something I wish more men heard growing up. Strength isn’t measured by how well you hide pain. It’s measured by what you choose to do with it.
Don’t expect yourself to feel better in seven days when it usually takes months to untangle. Be patient with your own heart. You don’t need an extraordinary day. You just need an ordinary day repeated often enough.
In my experience, healing quietly sneaks into the spaces created by simple routines. One morning you’ll notice you made it to lunchtime without thinking about the breakup.
By then, you won’t have just closed the door.
You don’t live there anymore.
