PHILBERT32: I’ve been following you for quite some time. I’m in my early 30s and like many men in my culture, I’m constantly being asked when I’m going to settle down. The pressure mostly comes from family and relatives who believe it’s already time for me to get married. I’ve been in four serious relationships, with the most recent one ending about three months ago. Despite giving each relationship a genuine chance, I eventually realize that I’m unable to form the kind of emotional connection I believe a lifelong partnership requires. Am I simply meeting the wrong people? Or am I expecting too much? I don’t want to settle just because people think I should. At the same time, I don’t want to spend years chasing an ideal that does not exist.
DJ: Your opening sentence made me slightly concerned. But you meant following my work, right? Seriously, many people assume that the greatest risk in dating is settling for the wrong person. But another risk that requires attention too is becoming so consumed with finding the right person that no one ever seems good enough. You’re looking for a partner. Not a custom-built human.
I don’t think you should lower your standards. Like it’s really high. Joke. Instead, I encourage you to examine them. Healthy standards are rooted in values. Unrealistic expectations are often rooted in preferences, assumptions, or fear.
Start by separating your non-negotiables from your nice-to-haves. The first are qualities that directly influence the health of a long-term relationship. Like integrity, kindness, emotional maturity, accountability, faith, respect and the ability to communicate during conflict. These are your non-negotiables.
The second is your preferences. Like physical appearance, profession, hobbies, income level, fashion sense or shared interests. While these can enhance compatibility, they are rarely what determine whether a marriage succeeds. Many people reject someone over a preference while overlooking someone who possesses the very qualities that sustain a lifetime together.
Think as well if you’re walking away from a relationship because you’re looking for absolute certainty. That unmistakable feeling that you’ve found the one. Healthy relationships are built more on consistent connection than constant certainty. Emotional intimacy grows through shared experiences, honest conversations, vulnerability and time. Compatibility is discovered. Not downloaded.
Instead of asking, “Am I completely sure?” ask, “Are we growing closer? Do I enjoy becoming more myself around her? Are we building trust?” Those questions often lead to better decisions than chasing a feeling of perfection.
Look for patterns instead of isolated moments. If she confuses her P with her F, or her subject does not agree with the verb, ask whether there is a recurring pattern. Does she call every pasta “spaghetti?” Seriously, you may be so busy looking for fireworks that you miss the emotionally mature lady holding the match.
Do you lose interest once the excitement fades? Do you leave as soon as she claps when the plane lands? Now, if the same challenge appears across multiple relationships, dude, you might want to take a closer look at yourself. A perfect partner is waiting for a perfect person. Are you?
Bad grammar can be corrected. Bad character usually requires a lifelong editing process. In a nutshell, don’t make your list so exclusive that even you wouldn’t qualify. All the best!