@PHIL: Lately, there seem to be so many polarizing issues that I find it hard to scroll through my social media feeds peacefully. It feels like there’s been an overwhelming amount of rants and meltdowns. You were one of the speakers in conferences I attended and you struck me as someone who remains composed even in difficult conversations. I’m curious how you handle situations where people strongly disagree with you, whether it’s on political, religious, or other sensitive social topics. And where does loyalty end, or should it ever end? Isn’t that what friends are for, sticking by each other no matter what?
DJ: Thanks for the kind words! I appreciate it. But friends and those who work with me closely can attest that I do have my moments — complete with eyeballs rolling, animated hand gestures and tone morphing into a passionate villainous rant. I’m also a work in progress.
Since 2016, I’ve lost a lot of friends, both on social media and in person. That’s when I realized how polarizing the world has become. We used to avoid arguing about things like which religion had the exclusive VIP pass to heaven. But now, social media has us unfriending over political views or debates as small as dipping empanada in ketchup or eating taho with a spoon or straw. People these days tend to argue over anything. Social media wannabees often fuel it for engagement. So, beware.
While we live in a beautiful world, it’s far from perfect. No one is right all the time. We each have flaws, biases and quirks. Same goes for political parties, religious organizations, companies, you name it. We might have the best of intentions, but if we get too hung up on pointing out what’s wrong, we miss out on appreciating what’s right.
The world still can’t agree on who the greatest NBA player of all time is. And that’s with all the stats. The same goes for hot topics like Russia and Ukraine, the West Philippine Sea, or FPRRD and the ICC. It’s easy to get stuck in an endless loop of debates over who’s right, rather than figuring out what’s right. It’s kind of pointless to argue about the best sauce for lechon when deep down, you’re already 100 percent convinced it’s pinakurat.
We can be friends without demanding that the other change their ideology, and without trying to convince the other person they are wrong in their beliefs. Even though we do often believe the other is wrong. There will always be differing opinions. But a lot of them won’t matter in the grand scheme of things. So why throw a good relationship away? Like they say, you don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater just because you find the water dirty. We are at an age and time when we have to be more discerning which issue to dwell on and just let the rest go. Not every debate is worth losing a friendship over.
Two of my best friends — a Jesuit and a brother in community — are totally on the opposite ends of the political spectrum. We definitely get into some heated debates. But we’ve learned to change the subject when things get too spicy. The reason we make it through the great divide — and I pray we keep doing so — is because we have mad respect for each other. We value our friendship more than any political differences. We stay loyal by giving each other space to have our opinions, without putting up with toxic behavior or pointless arguments that don’t add value. It’s totally fine to set some boundaries.
There’s no easy button for friendship. At some point, if it’s a lasting one, you’ll have to manage differences with your friends. Relationships don’t have to be based on compromise or shared views, but rather on what seems to be in short supply lately: kindness, respect and a shared commitment to preserving the bond.