@JULIA: I’ve been navigating a series of mutual understandings since college. NBSB. The first one was with a family friend who really liked me. But despite years of connection, we never became official. Then I had another situation with a coworker where we hung out for years. But it remained purely platonic. Now, there’s someone I genuinely like. We are in the same org. I told my closest friends that he is the one I like to spend the rest of my life with. We hit it off really well. We like each other a lot but he isn’t making any moves at all! Is he gay? Do you have any suggestions on how I can move forward and make this relationship happen? I’m tired of being stuck in these ambiguous situations.
DJ: Assumptions can be sneaky little troublemakers. They can totally lead people astray. Sadly, these unspoken beliefs can be used to manipulate and control people and situations.
The cool thing is you want to break the cycle. Time to hit pause and reflect on your past. Before you steer a friendship into something more, take a moment to consider whether you’ve crafted narratives in the past that you might be repeating now with this new guy. You may have developed a pattern of investing your time, even your life, into a fantasy. What could be the reason why those relationships never turned into something official? From here on out, it’s crucial to validate your assumptions.
Were those relationships really mutual? Did you both clearly define your romantic feelings? Did the guy ever say he had feelings for you? Were you able to share your feelings openly? Did you discuss exclusivity or commitment at all? If you have not done this in the past, I suggest you test your assumptions now before expecting anything. Without clear expectations, misunderstandings are bound to recur. Do this in memory of your past “MUs.”
The thing about assumption is it becomes our filter through which we interpret reality. For example, if you assume a guy has feelings for you, every interaction may be colored by that belief. The way he smiles or looks your way. Even the way he chews his burger with his mouth open revealing what looks like a ton of mess grounded by an open garbage truck, can be perceived as a sign of affection. Okay, I’m exaggerating. But remember this — unless someone explicitly states his feelings, thou shalt not jump to conclusions.
Besides, living in a world of assumptions is emotionally exhausting. You’re always disappointed because your expectations are totally unrealistic. Even if he’s a really good friend, it may never feel like enough because you’re imagining something much grander. He cannot, nor will he ever live up to the fantasy you’ve created. And be cautious about broadcasting this to your closest friends. It can come off as pressuring him into a relationship. It’s important to remember that just because he doesn’t make a move doesn’t mean he’s gay. He might just not be into you.
So, instead of trying to decode this new guy’s feelings, slow your roll and reflect. You might be misreading the vibe. Be more discerning this time around. You are not chasing every guy wearing a pair of pants as a partner, right? You’re a secure woman who is enough. Allow relationships to progress naturally. Now if you’re really dying to know, ask and you shall receive. Check in with this new guy about what his actions meant. Clarifying those feelings can help you escape the cycle of hanging on to your assumptions.
A lot of our frustrations stem not from others’ actions but from our unrealistic, possibly inappropriate expectations. I don’t mean to come off harsh but take this response as a wake-up call, okay? It’s a nod from life to break free from being trapped in old stories that do not serve you. Validate your assumptions. You’ll feel better about yourself and those around you.