@CARLA: I’m in a relationship with someone on a rebound. At least from what I suspect. He came from a heartbreak I knew nothing about. Except from rumors I pick up here and there. I asked him about his past and the conversation went sour. And he became cold. So, I learned to never ask. It’s just that while he is good to me, there’s something about him I do not fully understand. He seems emotionally distant. Don’t get me wrong. He’s very thoughtful. He showers me with gifts, treats me in fancy places, and introduces me to his friends and family. Call it a woman’s instinct but it just feels off somewhere. I sense his feelings are dead. I am not convinced he truly loves me. I’m at a loss.
DJ: You’re picking up a vibe that things are quite wonky. Call it gut instinct. That sense you have deep down when facing a situation. A lot of times, there is no rhyme or reason to it. Should you trust it? Well, it’s not a skill to be learned but is rather strengthened. And it starts with self-awareness.
Are you a classic worrier? You know, having a mind like a hamster wheel thinking about a million things that can be wrong. Do you overanalyze situations? If you do, then having someone as your sounding board helps. You’ll be guided to check your bias. Why do you think his feelings are dead? Is he acting distant? Does he seem unhappy? Are these observations more of exceptions or are these already the norm? Are things really off or it’s just you thinking that they are? Examine the alternative view. Could there be work stress, health issues, or maybe drama in the family? While there are times that the emotion is strong and correct, there are just as many times when trusting it leads to a disaster. I suggest you take a step back so you can clear your mind and be objective about what’s happening.
Gossip comes in many forms, shapes and sizes. It may be true, a lie, or a misunderstanding. It can help or is just simply malicious and trouble-making. Should you listen to it? My answer is a cautious nod. Meaning, consider it false unless proven to be true. I don’t recommend that you just wave it away, more so if it’s really troubling you. Just hold off any action unless you’ve done your due diligence. You already made an attempt which sadly turned sour. Time to do more fact-checking. Plug your ear if you must. Are there merits of what is being said? What are the facts that support or discount the rumor? Are they enough? Do they add up? Do they make sense? Scrutinize as well your sources. Hopefully, you’re not surrounded by people who do not have your best interest in mind when they talk about your boyfriend to you. Make sure you’re getting the facts you can trust.
All relationships have times when all those butterflies you both felt in the beginning seem to have turned into pesky bees that are now stinging an otherwise healthy relationship. They’re normal. So, if you’re feeling that something isn’t working right, tell him. Who knows? What it might take is to simply have a conversation for things to get moving back in the right direction. Act like a concerned party instead of jumping right at him with your accusations. Tell him he seems quiet, for example, and then ask if there’s something on his mind. Way better than telling him you need to talk about the state of your relationship. It can turn something off to being completely off. If he shrugs it off again, take the conversation another step forward by saying you just want the relationship to be back to how it used to be. Now if the discussion is still not going anywhere, don’t push it further. Leave it at that. See what happens.
You can love someone with your whole heart and still not have a good relationship. Both of you have to help each other grow and achieve the best versions of yourselves to make it work. Communication is key. Love is a lifelong journey, and the choice to give up or fight for it ultimately rests with you.