@SARAH: I said yes to marrying my boyfriend of eight years. We both have stable careers. Since we started dating and became friends since college, we know each other well enough. I’ve stood by him through the good and the bad, even when he’s cheated several times. The latest incident was almost a year ago. I thought that would finally break us apart. Yet, here I am, still with him. He promised to change not just once, but many times. Now that we’re engaged, I’m seriously questioning if he ever will change. Am I making the right decision to marry him despite everything?
DJ: It’s often advised not to enter into a marriage expecting your partner to change. That’s beyond your control. It’s like expecting a smartphone update to fix a hardware issue. Why not ask yourself instead these questions: Can you handle the situation? Is this the kind of partner you truly deserve?
A relationship marred by infidelity can lead to low self-esteem and heightened anxiety. Trust diminishes, and loyalty and commitment become one-sided. Given these circumstances, how are you holding up? It’s crucial to process your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust, capable of accompanying you through this challenging journey.
Has he apologized? There’s a vast disparity between uttering two simple words and displaying genuine remorse for one’s actions. Saying sorry is different from rectifying the issue. The fact that he cheated several times means that he did not back his apology up with any action. A sad indication that he’s only applying a band-aid to a deep wound.
Sure, love isn’t like a light switch that can be turned off at will. It hopes, believes and endures. It’s understandable if you still love him despite his repeated infidelity. But let’s be real: what’s to prevent him from cheating again? His repeated actions indicate a potential addiction to womanizing, deriving pleasure from avoiding consequences and maintaining power over you, rather than valuing the relationship.
Remaining in love with a cheater is akin to traversing a minefield. No assurance that nothing’s gonna blow up in your face again. If you are still willing to give him another chance, why not gather more information before even tying the knot? Less than a year has passed since the last incident. He hasn’t yet demonstrated enough credibility under his belt. Literally and figuratively. How long should you wait? It’s up to you. Those mishaps did not happen just because he wasn’t thinking, or because the other party instigated it or because you were away. We all make mistakes but at the end of the day, they were brought on by his choices. Ensure he acknowledges this fact. Because why should he change if he’s not taking full accountability?
Besides, don’t you think love shouldn’t come from a side of constant heartache and betrayal? Marriage is a lifelong partnership. Don’t you think you deserve a love that lifts you, not one that keeps knocking you down? Things do not necessarily get things any easier when you get married. Why go into it bringing a heavy baggage on the get go? Besides, trust is the foundation of any relationship. Why are you committing forever to someone who obviously can’t be faithful to you even for just eight years? What you have is a shaky foundation for the future. Why rush into marriage when you’re already facing significant hurdles?
Take some time to level up your thoughts. Then do what’s right for you. The last thing you should worry about is what your friends and family are going to think about your decision. They don’t completely understand the situation. But make sure you do. And if you think this relationship is worth fighting for, don’t forget that you are also worth fighting for.