@EMILY: A few months ago, I lost my job unexpectedly because the company was downsizing. For the first time in years, I found myself without the position, influence and resources people had gotten used to associating with me. What surprised me most was not the financial adjustment. It was the silence. The people who used to constantly message me suddenly disappeared. Invitations stopped coming. Some friends who would eagerly ask me for favors, introductions, recommendations or financial help barely checked on me. How do you deal with the realization that some people only seem to love you when you are useful to them?
DJ: I was in your situation years ago. Many relationships are unintentionally built around convenience and what we can provide. And when those things disappear, the relationship weakens with them. It’s easy to label them as fake. But you can also view them through the lens of seeing people as practical, that they were connected to a chapter in your life, a role or circumstance rather than to your identity as a person. That realization may still hurt, but it helps prevent bitterness from consuming you.
One of the clearest ways to identify the right people is to observe who remains consistent through the highs and lows. This is the best time to spot the right people to invest the rest of your life. These are the folks who survive awkward seasons, silence, limitations and even seasons where you cannot give much in return. It’s funny when some people reconnect with you when things are cool again. Every time that happens, I quietly smile and say to myself, “Touch move.”
From now on, stop over-functioning in relationships. Sometimes, we become emotionally exhausted solving problems, providing emotional labor, rescuing people or carrying conversations and friendships. Over time, people get used to receiving from us without learning how to reciprocate. Healthy relationships allow mutual care. Not one-sided emotional employment.
One practical protection is to avoid confusing constant attention with genuine care. When we hold a role of authority or influence, some people stay close because proximity benefits them. A dangerous trap is believing our worth depends on how much we provide. Many high performers, leaders, breadwinners and achievers quietly struggle with this.
Do not let disappointment harden your heart. But be wiser this time with access and boundaries. There is a difference between being kind and being endlessly available. There is a difference between generosity and self-neglect. Healthy boundaries do not make us selfish. They make relationships healthier and more sustainable.
One reason some people stay attached to us is because they know we rarely refuse requests. Over time, constant availability can quietly train people to treat access to us as an entitlement rather than a privilege. Normalize saying no without overexplaining. Or delay your response slightly before committing. This is not to manipulate people but to think clearly. Not every problem around you is automatically your assignment. The right people may feel disappointed. But they will still respect you. Boundaries reveal relationship intentions very quickly even when you’re at the peak of success.
Life will always have its ups and downs. No one is exempt to that. The goal now is not to stop loving people, but to stop losing yourself trying to earn love through usefulness. Your situation is tough. I feel you. But the clarity you’ll get from this will save you years of misplaced loyalty. When you’re at your best of times again, you’ll be wiser with your heart, more intentional with your energy and more discerning about the people you allow close to you, not to love less, but to love better.
